


to save his life (he crawls like a worm from a bird)

by PolzkaDotz



Series: we all go to hell [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dragons, Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Asexuality, Deities, Demisexuality, Dragon! Andrew, Hospitals, Implied Sexual Content, Kidnapping, M/M, Murder, Necromancy, depictions of torture, god! Neil, magical bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:42:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27319450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PolzkaDotz/pseuds/PolzkaDotz
Summary: Neil is not immortal anymore, but there are some things he’ll probably never understand about humans, like their obsession with love. Or the obsession of some Fox Security’s employees with Neil’s relationship with Andrew.a.k.a.Neil learns the concept of Asexuality through the Foxes and annoys his priest about it.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: we all go to hell [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1333138
Comments: 32
Kudos: 110





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [godotco](https://archiveofourown.org/users/godotco/gifts).



>   
> First of all, I have to thank [godot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/godotco/) for letting me write this. I’m sorry it took forever! Depression sometimes truly is a bitch. I hope it was worth the wait <3  
>   
> This is the final installment of this AU, and it’s finished! I’m just going to do a last read-through to make sure nothing’s too wonky, but i’ll be publishing them all still today, probably. I just wanted to post it before the end of ace week and i kinda failed lmao  
> When two of my dearest friends (Hi, Kay! Hi, Eli!) read through this chapter and arrived at the presentation bit, they went, “What is this? Red, White and Royal Blue?”  
>   
> “I don’t know,” I told them. “I haven’t read that book.”  
>   
> So, it’s unclear, but I think there’s an unintentional rwrb reference? lmao  
>   
> PS: Forgot to say, but the title comes from "The Bird and the Worm" by The Used!  
> 

It all started, unfortunately, with the Fox Security’s employees spreading a shared belief between themselves that Neil had no concept of what a healthy relationship looked like. 

That was how it _started_ , but not the worst part of it. Of course not. They also believed it was their responsibility to educate Neil on what a healthy relationship looked like. Get him at least familiarizing with some parameters that were deemed “good”. 

They reached that particular belief after one of their weekly gatherings at the Fox Security’s meeting room. The gatherings hadn’t begun as a group effort to bring Neil to the 21th century, but as a way for the Foxes to actually see Neil now and then, since he “moved out of the Tower”—as they put it. As if Neil was their teenaged son, spreading his wings to fly far away, instead of the elderly god that he actually was. Neil blamed his youthful looks. 

The gatherings had started as a time for them to just chat. Without fail, the subject would slowly descend into chaos because that’s just what the Fox Security’s employees were like. Neil liked their gatherings. He often missed those early days after coming back from Japan, when Neil had to get used to the absence of that hopelessness that had been his companion for centuries. That feeling that clung to him and he clung right back. It told him he wouldn’t live long and should just… end things on his own terms. Spit in his father’s face one last time before finally letting himself be killed. 

It was at Fox Security, with all of them existing and doing their best to include him (well. Most of them did their best) where Neil got used to allowing himself to live. 

Although constantly baffled by how much pop culture references Neil could understand, the Foxes would always reach a point of irrational outrage because Neil didn’t know a particular thing they collectively remembered from their childhood. It made no sense for them to blame Neil for their frustration, when they were the ones who failed to apply the concept of “immortal being” to Neil. 

Eventually, they came to a solution: turn their weekly gathering into a weekly presentation... thing. Dan and Matt claimed they had seen that idea on the internet. It looked fun, they told Neil, while the others who knew what they were talking about (read: not Seth who, as an ogre, had very little interest in things outside of what he deemed not worth hating) agreed with great enthusiasm. It would take them back to their college days, Nicky said wistfully—a thought definitely not shared by all the Foxes, if the looks of pure disgust and incomprehension was anything to go by. 

Neil had never stepped in a college class—or any form of class the Foxes would consider as formal education, to be honest—but once they explained the concept of a presentation ( _with slides!!!!_ , was repeated often with a lot of emphasis) to him, Neil just sort of went, “Ah” and nodded. “War councils.” 

The Foxes side-eyed each other at that, but didn’t comment a thing—not to him, at least. Some of them clearly wanted to ask—mainly Kevin, because his degree in Magical History left him basically unable to resist occasionally trying to interrogate Neil, no matter how often his questions were met by silence. 

It wasn’t like Neil could even _recall_ a single word that he had heard at the war councils he had sat on, though. They were a blur of… “boredoom”, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Nicky supplied in his head. 

What mattered was that Neil indulged them, of course. He didn’t have any reason to oppose it, and some of them were really passionate about the subjects they deemed “essential” for Neil’s education. 

After a while, Neil could even admit he had _fun_ just being a spectator. They brought a lot of food and, after two or three Foxes would do their presentations, the rest would interact with it, with frequency. It would have been smarter to only allow questions at the end, but Allison insisted on their first meeting that the “peanut gallery should be able to make an input”. Her haughty tone was enough to make the idea pass, even though Dan looked like she had wanted to protest, probably Allison’s evident disgust. 

Looking back on it later, Neil couldn’t decide if it was good that he had been present for the “Local Gays Bring Tutelage to the Elderly Ex-God about the Gays (and other peeps)” presentation or not. It had probably sped up the appearance of some discussions in his life, but even though he didn’t bother to have his immortality on himself all the time now—the constant weight of it a comfort in the core of his being, that he sometimes missed like a physical pain—Neil was more than well-acquainted with letting things happen at their own pace. Neil would have been fine with the subject taking longer to be brought up. 

Well, it wasn’t like he could guarantee it _hadn’t_ been the time for it. 

Nonetheless, Neil would have appreciated it if he hadn’t known what had prompted that presentation: there was, after all, only so much meddling one could accept from Nicky. Maybe if Nicky had consulted him, Neil would have enjoyed telling him that his “helping hand” wasn’t needed so “Neil could realize his feelings for a certain dragon”, also known as Nicky’s cousin named Andrew. Secretly—and Neil had no idea how many people Andrew might have talked about it, although Wymack and Renee _possibly_ suspected by how they looked at them—also known as Neil’s priest. 

Renee was presenting with Nicky. She was meant to help balance Nicky’s energy, keep the presentation somewhat organized. From the way Nicky was practically vibrating from excitement, her calm demeanor did little to soothe the energy Nicky could generate. Renee had begun her part by explaining the big picture things—current definitions of sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and a brief introduction to gender. It was all very much succinct and brief, but also definitely interesting. 

After the big concept stuff, she introduced him to the initialism—the LGBTQ community, as she called it—then showed the many initials some people wanted the initialism to have. Neil just kept nodding alongside the other Foxes, accepting that at some point he would get lost, but still trying to pay attention as Renee went back in time to explain a little of the history of the community. 

After the brief exploration of the history, Renee talked about the concept of monosexualities. How a lot of different labels for sexual orientations fit in that umbrella term. Neil’s mind unfortunately started to drift, even if he forced himself to go back to paying attention to what she was saying. It was interesting, truly; Neil just didn’t _relate_ to anything being discussed. Even worse, Nicky almost jumped from his chair any time Renee made a pause. His turn was obviously near. 

Too soon, Renee was done. When two second had passed and Renee hadn’t said anything, Nicky jumped up from his chair and gave a big smile. 

“And this concludes the presentation on the subject of monosexualities, of which our holy homosexuality is part of, blessed us all be. However… what else is out there?” Nicky said, clicking his little presentation remote and changing it to the next slide, that had the words, “THOSE SLUTS” written in big letters. “Now, before you can get mad at me, I decided to approach my part of the presentation through the bigotry that Neil must never repeat, ever, do you hear me, my son?” 

“I am much older than you,” Neil said dryly. “I can’t be your son.” 

“Yet here we are, my son.” Nicky gave him a beatific smile. “You have been warned: these are not to be repeated. It’s just to make it clear that our brethren, our siblings, still suffer, even inside the community, which is not okay in any capacity, unless your friend group is okay with it as a _joke_.” 

Neil shrugged just so Nicky would keep going—which he did, explaining about people who felt attraction to two genders or more. If anything, it felt even more unrelatable to Neil than monosexuality. He was familiar with the idea, he didn’t spend his immortality under a rock, but he felt it was more fun to to observe how the Foxes reacted to it than actually listen to Neil. 

Neil knew that Nicky was not using his powers on them. Dan, Matt, Allison and, surprisingly, Seth were listening and reacting to what Nicky was saying _genuinely_. When Nicky changed to a slide with the title “BISEXUALS: “CHOOSE ONE SIDE!”, they booed and laughed when Nicky egged and encouraged them to be loud. Wymack, at the other end of the table, seemed ready to end his life if the meeting was over soon. 

On the slide titled, “PANSEXUALS ARE ATTRACTED TO PANS”, Nicky had many cooking-related puns that deeply offended Allison, mostly because they were indeed bad. They both lost around ten minutes of the presentation on a back and forth, Allison getting more and more frustrated with the puns used in Nicky’s replies, until Renee approached her and put a calming hand on her shoulder. Allison quieted down, but not before throwing a dirty look at Nicky’s smirk. 

Nicky talked about other sexual orientations, but Neil was distracted from him by looking down at the table to see a bowl of strawberries and grapes sliding in front of him. Neil looked at Andrew’s retreating hand, then at his face for a second, waiting. When nothing was said, he just shrugged and accepted the bowl, eating silently as he went back to watching the Foxes. 

Neil had been the God of Challenges. Was anything as challenging as love? Anything people fought as hard for? Yes, but love was definitely one of the most common things _normal_ people asked of him. Love was a motivator not only for something to do whatever you could to conquer, but also something people would give anything to defend. Neil _knew_ love and all the forms it took—ugly, glamorous, simplistic. Epic. 

The terminology had been updated, the intrinsic details of sexuality had been teased apart and labeled, but… Neil had seen it all. The concept wasn’t exactly _new_ , per se. Just the language. The Foxes were lively and captivating. There was nothing in the presentation that could compete with that. 

Neil couldn’t say he had ever really grasped the meaning of love—or even relationships. He did help the foolish endeavors of humans who prayed for him in the name of Love, even though it wasn’t exactly his area, but he didn’t need to understand _why_ humans felt something to help them. 

Still, Neil had believed for a long time that love itself was a very human thing. In Neil’s circle, deities just renamed love for something they could understand and fight over, since it was really about power. Gods didn’t fall in love like humans—they formed alliances in the chances that they would become more powerful, attract more followers. Maybe produce powerful offsprings, if they were lucky. Find more priests. So that maybe, _maybe_ they’d finally receive an invitation for an immortality of their own. 

Neil’s father and mother didn’t love each other. His mother was too much of her godhead—all the logic needed to be the Goddess of Wisdom keeping her from messy, illogical feelings—and his father had been the God of War—arguably, a passionate godhead in itself, but in the most unbalanced sense of it. 

Of the two of them, Neil could grimly admit at least to himself that his father understood more about _a_ concept of love—the wrong kind, unhealthy kind. His father had never loved a being in his life, but he had more… passion than Neil’s mother ever did. 

Definitely more in tune with the obsessive sort of love than— 

“Neil? Are you paying attention?” 

Neil lurched forward in his chair a little, hand dropping the strawberry he had been holding for who knows how long. He looked at Nicky and Renee, the former who apparently had been interrupted mid-speech and still had his mouth open. 

“Yes,” Neil said, with zero conviction that it would convince any of them. 

“Neil, did you not understand something and that’s why you’re out of it?” Dan asked gently. 

“No,” Neil said reluctantly and sighed. “It’s nice to know the updated terminology, and I’m grateful that you have my best interest at heart, but I was just… thinking about Love. And Attraction.” 

“Of course you were,” Nicky said suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows rapidly. Neil frowned at him until Nicky very obviously looked at the bowl of fruits in front of Neil. “Should we go back to the gay part of the presentation so you can get more acquainted with it?” 

“I was already acquainted with it,” Neil said and got raised eyebrows all-around. “I hope you know that men falling in love with men wasn’t invented in the 19th century? It wasn’t _common_ or accepted everywhere in my time, but it existed.” 

“ _Oh…_ yeah, I can imagine a situation where some people would pray for help,” Nicky laughed. “Especially in the good ol’ times with no lube! Hey, did you get lots of prayers asking for it to be smaller or someth—” 

“Yellow card!” Dan and Matt yelled, sort of drowned in Allison’s cackle. 

“No lewd questions on your presentation, Nicky, you know the rules,” Wymack chimed in, sounding more than halfway past done. 

“I just don’t _get it_ ,” Neil said loudly, and it was enough to distract the Foxes from descending into their chaos earlier than normal. “Who walks around thinking about sex and wanting to kiss people that often, anyway?” 

Neil immediately became aware that he had said something outside of the norm because every single noise in the room suddenly stopped. 

“Uh… most people?” Matt said hesitantly. 

“Neil, are you implying that you don’t?” Nicky asked, _also_ seeming hesitant. Neil was just… confused by it. 

“Of course I don’t, why would I?” Neil had been kissed, a long, long time ago, and he was glad that the details of the memory mostly weren’t part of him anymore. It hadn’t been pleasant, but at least the goddess kept it short, especially since the kiss had been unasked for and unwelcomed. Neil informed her about it later, which apparently had been “embarrassing” for the goddess, who had thought he’d been courting her. 

Neil didn’t even remember what he could have done that would classify as courting. They had barely ever spoken any words to each other, and that number of words decreased even further after the kiss incident. 

She had been one of the many goddesses of Love. Neil had just attributed the kiss as something related to her powers. But if what the Foxes were implying was true, then that goddess… what? _Wanted_ to kiss Neil because she thought about kissing and attraction often? Voluntarily? Without measuring the _gain_ of it? 

Now, that was just _weird_. Also, seems like a complete waste of her valuable time. 

“You might be interested in this next one, maybe,” Renee told Neil gently, and then the slideshow changed to show “ASEXUALITY: DON’T HUG THEM, EMBR **ACE** THEM”. 

Neil sat there in silence as Renee explained that some people didn’t think about kissing, or felt sexual attraction at all. That some people only felt those things in very specific situations. Or that some people only felt it after a strong emotional bond. Asexuality, gray asexuality, demisexuality. She also said that the prefixes from the previous labels, like bisexuality for example, could be adapted to mean only romantic attraction to create _biromanticism_. 

Neil took it all in for a few seconds while they watched him in silence, feeling the need to say only, “Oh.” 

Which was too much for Nicky apparently, because he felt the need to release a very short laugh, tinged with disbelief. “C’mon, Neil _can’t be_ asexual!” 

Once again, there was a weighted silence. This one spoke up loud about anger though, as the Foxes turned to glare at Nicky. “Explain?” Dan said, in a cold voice. 

Neil silently put a strawberry in his mouth as Nicky spluttered for a few seconds. He watched from the corner of his eyes as a pale hand reached into his bowl and got a strawberry as well. Neil didn’t have time to look at Andrew’s calm demeanor for too long because Nicky was suddenly calling attention to them by pointing. 

“I mean, look at how they look at each other!” Nicky let out another short laugh, but this one had a slight taste of desperation behind it. Dan got up and tried to shush him, but she was too late, because Nicky was naturally loud and currently using his full voice potential to say, “Do you really think there’s no attraction there?” 

Chaos ensued. 

In the middle of the screaming match and _almost_ physical brawl that was happening, Neil watched as Andrew got up from his chair and left the conference room, without calling attention to himself at all and without looking at Neil. 

Neil popped another strawberry in his mouth and his face twisted as soon as he bit into it. Not sweet at all. 

Neil sighed as he kept chewing on it. It took a long time for the nerves in the room to quiet down, but it didn’t really matter to Neil. He could hear that Dan, Matt and Allison were loudly defending him from speculation, as if they weren’t famous for doing bets about everything, but Allison saying that “It _violates_ the rules!” kind of gave him a clue to why some of them were mad, maybe. 

It wasn’t like Neil didn’t know what they thought of his relationship with Andrew, his _priest_. Neil had always known what the relationship between a priest and a deity looked like from the outside. Still, it wasn’t pointed out or speculated about, or at least it wasn’t. That would be a disrespect towards the bond and what it _meant_. It wasn’t like the Foxes knew about that particular rule of etiquette or that Andrew was Neil’s priest. 

Was that what it really looked like to them? That Andrew and him were in a relationship? In the midst of their chaos, Neil frowned. _Was_ he attracted to Andrew? He had never felt the need to explore that feeling with other priests, but now… Neil thought about asexuality and couldn’t help but wonder… If not physically, which he has never been to anyone, could he be attracted romantically to Andrew without even realizing it? 

* * *

Their trip towards the training place was incredibly quiet the next day—which wasn’t, admittedly, abnormal. Andrew wasn’t someone who wasted words on things he didn’t mean, and he didn’t pretend to care about anything he truly didn’t. If there was nothing to say, nothing would be said. 

Neil, on the other hand, was just naturally disinclined towards making noises. Matt, Dan, Allison and Nicky were the ones who tried their hardest to make him engage verbally in their shenanigans, but Neil was used to the silence. 

Neil’s stare boring into Andrew _was_ abnormal though. Not because he didn’t stare at Andrew; he absolutely did it, shamelessly. Usually, what fueled his gaze was the immature urge to get Andrew’s attention on him, even if it was from annoying him. 

This time though, the weight of Neil’s gaze was different, and Neil knew that. He still had the presentation on his mind, mostly for the doubts that it had planted on his mind, with roots firmly attached. He didn’t think it was _that_ important to find an answer, at the same time that he _did._ It wasn’t the kind of question that would be satisfied with a single answer, however. If he really had feelings for Andrew… what would happen then? 

Neil heavily suspected that Andrew knew what he was thinking. Andrew normally would have already cracked and said something to try to stop Neil from looking at him for so long. Neither of them was saying anything, and that was how they stayed until they arrived at the community center for magical creatures not too long after. 

For some reason, the stuffy air inside the community center felt even more oppressive than usual. It was probably just an impression though, Neil’s thoughts weighing him and everything else in his perceptions. 

It would also be rude to voice his comments, especially if someone overheard him being ungrateful. Neil had approached Wymack when he realized that he would need a proper place to train with Andrew, since the roof of the Fox Security only worked for some things. Wymack coordinated it so they were allowed to use it for training after closing time, since he knew someone who knew someone who worked at the center. 

Their bond hadn’t reached a plateau yet. It wouldn’t be a problem, normally; some bonds take longer than others to settle down, but they _should_ be training and adjusting as their connection to each other kept growing. Andrew’s powers weren’t difficult to manage, but Andrew’s dragon required a bit of argumentation to work with Neil—not because Neil wasn’t powerful enough to overwhelm and make it submit to him; he was, but that would be the idiot way of going about it with Andrew involved. 

Also, he didn’t want to. The dragon couldn’t more clearly be playing hard to get. Neil didn’t doubt that, in a fight, the dragon would be much more cooperative. It was fun to come up with ways to… tempt the dragon into working with him during training. 

However, Andrew hated the whole situation. The lack of control was too stressful for him, and he was as possessive of his dragon as it was of him. It didn’t help that Andrew liked to have absolute control—of his personal bubble, his expressions, his life, everything—which was impossible to achieve since whenever he could stabilize his grip on Neil’s powers, their bond would tighten them together and reach a new level. 

Training was definitely a _must_. 

Neil didn’t mind it. Even without having his immortality to keep himself from getting hurt, Neil was truly just having funmost times. Neil had never asked where Andrew put his immortality, but he knew it was safe—and, currently, unneeded. 

Andrew used their key to open the door for the indoor court. They had to promise over and over again that even though Andrew was a dragon and Neil had an affinity to fire elements, they would absolutely _not_ burn down the building, or the equipment—their current lack of full control of their abilities going unmentioned, of course. 

If they did damage something, they would have to pay. At least Wymack had made that clear, which was fair. They had damaged nothing—yet. They _were_ a little volatile sometimes, their flames getting a little out of control, but Neil was good at getting them back under his control. Eventually. 

The court was empty. They were silent as Neil turned his back on Andrew, the sound of him taking his clothes off to change into his dragon form loud in their quietness. Neil’s mind went straight back to yesterday’s talk of _sexual attraction,_ but he felt nothing towards the sound. If anything, he felt like he shouldn’t be doing that. It was definitely not the correct mood or situation to be thinking about sex. 

What Nicky had seen on the way they looked at each other to make him so certain, Neil had no clue _._

Neil felt the ripples of Andrew shifting, not only magically but in the court's atmosphere. The way Andrew’s dragon went from being a tiny, furled being swimming inside Andrew’s magic, to a giant creature breathing heavily, making a tiny whirlwind blow through the entire court was a huge tell that the change was complete. 

Neil turned and looked at Andrew’s face, elongated and smooth-skinned, heavy-lidded golden eyes looking back at him as if asking, “What do you want?”. The skin on Andrew’s face was softer than anything Neil knew, and much different from the rest of his body—from his scaled-brows to the broader, tougher scales of his back or tail. 

There was no warning. Andrew simply took a step forward and attacked, mouth open to bite, his graceful neck bending much quicker than something as big as he was should’ve been able to move. 

Neil dodged Andrew’s bite by jumping onto Andrew’s neck and running to his back, using bursts of fire to take him off the ground momentarily. Andrew was quick to draw his wings close to his body, drop and try to roll on top of Neil, but Neil just had to walk over as he rolled. 

Neil was going to attack Andrew’s exposed neck, in the spot where the scales overlapped and that always made Andrew _over_ react—which Andrew never admitted that he did, nor did he talked about _what_ exactly Neil’s fire felt like running under his scales—but Andrew was already kicking him off with his back leg, like a dog, throwing Neil far away. 

They kept going at each other mostly physically and with their own powers at first, not because they _needed_ fighting lessons, per se, but because they always needed a bit of time fine-tuning themselves to each other’s powers instead of just going straight to their delicate struggles. 

Neil’s leg had been bleeding for a while before finally Andrew noticed the smell and stopped attacking. Neil himself hadn’t registered the blood yet—probably from when Andrew kicked him at the beginning—so, when Andrew took a step closer and exposed his tongue, Neil was thoroughly confused… until Andrew licked his wound and Neil winced. 

“Asshole,” Neil said, jumping away from Andrew and his burningsaliva. Neil imagined that it would feel the same if he had dumped a bottle of chilli sauce on his wound. He healed the wound with a tiny burst of magic so they could keep going, but Andrew was already moving to the corner of the court where they went through fire training. 

Neil frowned but didn’t argue. He had lost track of time, but Andrew usually didn’t, so they were probably already past their twenty-minute warm-up. This part was much less adrenaline-inducing for Neil, but definitely important. 

Kind of boring, actually. Andrew would keep shooting fire from his mouth, trying to mix his own fire with Neil’s until he felt too tired to do it any longer on his own, and he would finally listen to Neil’s advice. He mostly had to adjust how much power he actually needed to insert behind every breath he spelled, without falling into the temptation of doing it automatically. Neil wouldn’t teach a dragon how to exhale fire, but he had to teach a dragon how to control fire powered by the sun instead of an internal core. 

Neil didn’t always give good advice, though, or any advice at all. Mostly because it was useful for Andrew to learn how he behaved under potent emotions, like anger or annoyance. He tried his best to block whatever Neil did, but Neil was good at running his mouth. He didn’t even plan it beforehand, but that obviously only led towards disaster, sometimes. 

Like today, apparently. 

“It took them almost 40 minutes to calm down yesterday,” Neil commented. Andrew’s fire stuttered for a few seconds, but at least it didn’t become stronger. Just failed to work in a controlled stream for a few seconds until Andrew got his self-control back. “I couldn’t understand most of what was being yelled, as usual, but they seemed to think Nicky ‘outing me’ and being inappropriate was too over the line to calm down. 

“It doesn’t really make sense to me. Why does it matter to them so much to them to _know_ about the particularities of my sexuality, or who I’m interested romantically?” Even though his gaze faced forward, Neil could almost feel the weight of Andrew’s attention. It was a heady thing, something that made Neil’s heart race and his mouth run almost too fast, not stumbling over words by pure luck. “I’m old in ways they seem to keep forgetting. Maybe because I look younger than them, but it doesn’t change the fact that it all seems incredibly trivial to me. 

“I don’t know how anyone can claim they _know_ I’m attracted to you,” Neil made a pause, tried to think about what he was going to say and gave up. Andrew accompanied him step by step, and threw his next breath of flames just as Neil opened his mouth again. “I don’t even understand what attraction is like for a human. I’d help humans and creatures alike in romantic endeavors sometimes, but it just felt like one of those prayers I answered because I was there. I couldn’t give much input at all because I didn’t _understand_ the struggle. I don’t know what it’s like to desire someone enough that you would start fights, commit crimes, create wars that brought more people into a subject that, supposedly, should be between a few people at maximum, right?” 

Neil was starting to sweat under the warm air circulating through the court, created by Andrew. Andrew had been letting out bigger and bigger flames as Neil spoke. Neil kept a close eye on them, knowing that they were almost at the point where he would need to create a heat barrier between the net 50 feet away from them or risk it catching on fire—or melting? It could be made of plastic. Neil had never gone close enough to learn what it was made of, but he certainly didn’t want to replace it. 

He could push Andrew, though. _Just_ a little more. 

“After the time I spent helping humans, I spent a long time, too long in fact, just… feeling afraid that my father was going to find me. Worrying through centuries alongside my mother, until my father found us and killed her. The weight of the anxiousness over possibly being found and tortured led me to Fox Security. To you. Everyday that goes by makes me gladder that it did. 

“I don’t know if I’m asexual, or any of those words Renee said yesterday. My memories are a blur of the mediocracy of time, but I know I’ve never had someone who meant anything emotionally close to me like what they seem to describe it. My relationship with my priests never went in that direction because I never had any reason to care about love or affection—I had followers to tend and prayers to answer.” 

Neil took a deep breath and stopped Andrew’s next burst of fire from touching the net, spiraling it upwards and dissipating it with a careless gesture of his hand. 

“I don’t know what I feel for you, other than gratitude for keeping me alive after I paid you handsomely for it.” Andrew snorted, no fire coming out, and Neil let himself grin for a second before finishing. “I also don’t _know_ if I’m attracted to you because I don’t really understand it, but I have time to explore that concept. One thing I do know: when I look at the other Foxes and try to picture having a relationship with them, it’s always friendship. The warm support of comrades.” Neil looked at Andrew, who had finally stopped pretending he wasn’t paying attention while he watched Neil back. “But when I try to picture a relationship with you, it’s _nothing_. It’s a smear of possibilities, formless and confusing. But also… attracting. Exciting.” 

Andrew’s body shimmered for a few seconds and then he was turning back into a human. Neil swallowed nothing but air and couldn’t take his gaze away from Andrew’s eyes and whatever was simmering behind them. It would be unwise to take his eyes off of a blade in a battle, and Andrew’s eyes felt like weapons. 

“I never invited you to have those thoughts.” Andrew sounded _heated_ , but not angry. “I never said you had _permission_ to try and see me through that light.” 

Neil hummed. “Maybe that’s why it’s so abstract, then.” 

Andrew stared, _hard_ , and marched away towards his clothes. 

Neil didn’t watch him go. He was too busy turning himself away to hide his smile. 

* * *

Neil couldn’t imagine what the trip back to Neil’s would’ve been like if they had opened their mouths to talk about it, because they didn’t talk. At all. 

Neil truly never expected a deep, emotional conversation out of Andrew, though. Andrew was more an action kind of man and, right then, the action that Andrew seemed much more interested in was driving dangerously instead of talking. 

With nothing to stimulate his mind to other places, Neil’s mind could do nothing but entertain death musings; Andrew wouldn’t kill him in a car accident, most likely. Neil didn’t believe his presence (or his early confession) bothered Andrew enough for that, especially since Andrew knew he had Neil’s immortality. 

Still, it was impossible not to feel the thrum of his heart speed up as the car zoomed through the city, cutting in front of people, swerving without a single warning. The blaring of horns that followed them made it clear that Neil’s old heart wasn’t the single creature bothered by that situation. 

With his heart as a metronome, the silence between them was a live orchestra, filled with an invisible and sizable weight that pinned them in it. The silence was Neil’s fault, but he didn’t see a reason to apologize for it. It wouldn’t make a difference, especially since they were close to arriving at Neil’s home sweet home. 

When they did arrive, Andrew didn’t let go of the steering wheel or turned the car off, following Neil inside so he could scout Neil’s pantry for candy that Neil bought specifically for him. He probably wouldn’t, for a little while, maybe. Candy wasn’t worth helping Neil figure out his feelings when they would just annoy Andrew. 

Neil jolted a little as he thought about that fact, filing it onto the list of things that he would analyze later. Andrew already seemed annoyed at Neil the longer it took him to get out of the car, and Neil was kind of thinking about how much more of an annoyance he would be in Andrew’s life. 

Thinking about what their future would probably be like, Neil sighed and looked at Andrew. 

“I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable earlier,” he said. 

Andrew huffed. “You can’t make me uncomfortable.” 

“Of course, I can’t,” Neil says diplomatically. He thought for a second about holding his tongue, but he was still himself, so he added, “That’s why you walked away and I had to run after your car for a few minutes before you stopped to wait for me. Because you were definitely not uncomfortable.” 

Andrew finally turned to look at him. It was colder than any look he had ever given Neil, the frostiness of his expression clashing with the warm color of his eyes. “I didn’t think you were going to confess your feelings to me.” 

“Technically… I confessed that I didn’t know if I had feelings for you,” Neil shrugged at Andrew’s raised eyebrows. 

“Whatever the fuck you confessed doesn’t matter,” Andrew spoke slowly. Neil felt Andrew’s dragon stretch as Andrew realized he believed in that statement one hundred percent, and his dragon could finally relax from the tight coiled energy Andrew had been forcing it to, just in case he needed to sprint into his second skin at a moment’s notice. “What matters is what you hoped to accomplish with it, not what you said.” 

“Accomplish?” Neil echoed, frowning. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean, what do you think I’m going to do with that information?” 

“‘Do’? Nothing, I guess,” Neil got both eyebrows raised this time, but it did nothing to help him get rid of his confusion. The silence played between them again, but Neil didn’t want to let it play indefinitely. “I didn’t tell you so you would do something to solve my confusion for me. I was just… venting, I guess. About a worry I had in mind. I thought we could do that, from god to priest.” 

“Is that a responsibility any of your priests had?” 

“Yes,” Neil said, dryly. “All of my priests had to listen while I told them I had begun to imagine scenarios of being in a relationship with them.” Neil rolled his eyes at Andrew’s stare at him. “Andrew. I didn’t tell you because you’re my priest. I told you because you were an impossible man during what I thought were going to be my last days on Earth. 

“You came to find me when you felt I was in danger in Tokyo, even though you could have ignored the call for the priest. You stayed with me when I was… hosting the Nightmare. I trust you more than I’ve trusted any living being in a couple of centuries and, at this point, you and the image of the most secure person in my life are kind of overlapping each other. You don’t have to do anything about what I told you just because the other Foxes gave me the language to ponder about my experience with sexuality and sexual orientation, which made me realize I might have feelings for you, feelings that I’ve never experienced before. I don’t even know what they fully are yet and I don’t know what that means for the future.” 

Neil stopped and frowned. He hadn’t stopped to think about that one before, but Andrew could feel his emotions, especially strong ones. Neil could see Andrew ignoring whatever Neil felt about him in daily conversations, but what if what Neil felt really was some sort of romantic affection for him? Andrew was already feeling uncomfortable just with the possibility of it, independently of what he _said_. 

“It doesn’t have to change anything between us. If I do figure out what I’m feeling and that makes you uncomfortable, you need to know that… I will respect you and your desires. If it’s too much for you to feel what I feel, I can stop.” 

“Just like that?” 

“Well, probably not just like that, but I am immortal. A bit of underestimation of issues and minimization of time comes with the territory.” 

Andrew kept looking at Neil as if he was speaking nonsense in an alien language. Neil sighed at him. “I can just stop thinking about this at all if you want, and you don’t need to give me any explanations. It’s just… something new, something that might grow with exploration. And I feel like I can explore it because, for the first time in… forever, I’m not running from a powerful psychopath anymore.” 

“No, you are just running from his psychopathic follower instead,” Andrew said, looking away. 

“I’d say that opening my own business and owning an apartment makes it hard to classify anything I’ve been doing as ‘running’.” Neil opened the car door and slowly got out of the car. At the last second, he bent and leaned forward, putting one hand onto the passenger seat to balance himself as he observed Andrew’s micro-expressions as he asked the most important question. “Anyway, do you want me to stop?” 

“Running?” Andrew asked, and Neil could just see through him and his non-slick attempts at being obtuse. 

“Stop trying to figure out if I have feelings for you or not.” 

Andrew turned away from Neil, barely containing the sneer on his face. “Do whatever the fuck you want, little god. See if I care.” 

“Okay,” Neil said and gave a tiny smile as Andrew sped away from him. He would most definitely see if Andrew cared, in the end. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took me two hours to edit this, and it’s only because I got distracted by TikTok. I’m ashamed of it, but just a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  It took me two hours to edit this, and it’s only because I got distracted by TikTok. I’m ashamed of it, but just a little bit.  
> 

The next day is a normal working day at Neil’s crematorium. It doesn’t even seem like he had confessed his maybe feelings for the first time in his life the previous day, from how smoothly everything goes. 

Well, at least the _morning_ goes smoothly, uneventful as any Wednesday for him. Neil’s schedule is consistently calmer on Wednesdays because he prefers it like that, taking care of anything before lunchtime—which he had done that morning by going to three different funeral homes. He took his break for lunch at the normal time, fully prepared for a completely boring afternoon after he was done eating. Neil always left bureaucracies or finances to sort out on Wednesday afternoons. 

Matt had told him he should hire some help. Someone to man the front or the telephone, maybe an accountant. Someone to fucking advertise his business, so Neil wouldn’t have to basically find clients from funeral home directors talking to each other. 

Neil didn’t see _why_ he should. His business didn’t _need_ to grow—he didn’t need that much money to survive and had a lot of money saved away now that he didn’t have to be cautious of tapping into his mother’s savings. The deities who came to him sometimes felt obliged to pay him and Neil… just let them instead of fighting it. Also, Neil got enough promotion from being known as “the immortal being with the most green alternative method of cremation”, easily accomplished by using his own powers instead of any gas. 

Another reason Neil had against searching for help right now was that he was _just_ beginning. And this was just him, experiment with what he might want to do with the rest of his life. Now that he could help peopleagain without worrying that it would lead his father’s people directly to him, Neil couldn’t turn off the need to be helpful. He could forget his worries by going back to his first primary duty, quietly. Almost like going back to the person he used to be, even though he didn’t often directly deal with death in his past. His father’s priestess, the one who was still after him, was of no worry. 

However, there were other reasons for his friends to nag him about hiring help. Matt, specifically, from how often he and some of Neil’s other friends shamelessly took advantage of knowing what his schedule looked like. 

It wasn’t different that Wednesday. Not that long after lunch, when Neil had just hit a groove with the numbers he was logging slowly on his online spreadsheet, his phone pinged with a message and broke Neil’s concentration. 

_Let me in_ , Matt had sent and, almost at the same time Neil had finished reading, there was a playful knock at Neil’s door—kept closed because Neil was technically still on his lunch break. 

Both Matt and Dan seemed amused by whatever expression Neil was making when he opened the door. Or maybe something else amused them. What mattered was that they didn’t explain their twin grins as they entered, walking straight to the table where Neil and his pile of papers were. Neil watched them suspiciously, but was unable to come up with anything to explain their behavior. 

Neil sighed and followed them, pulling his papers close to his side of the table so Matt and Dan could have space for their arms or laptops if they wanted to. Sometimes, they only came around to work or do something together, mostly in silence. Hoping for the latter situation, Neil went back to logging, having to stretch his neck a little in order to see the papers he needed, but it was manageable. 

Unfortunately for him, that Wednesday was not one of those days where they worked together. 

“So… We wanted to apologize for the other day,” Dan said with a sigh after a few moments of small talk that Neil answered automatically. Since the subject had changed so abruptly, Neil froze up a little before raising his head to look at Dan, who wasn’t grinning anymore. 

“Why are you apologizing?” Neil asked, confused. “What did you do?” 

“We started yelling at each other and I didn’t even _see_ when you left the conference room. We didn’t have time to talk about it with you,” Matt explained. 

“Or force Nicky to apologize,” Dan added, sounding a little angry. 

Neil was even more confused at how heavy the anger was in her voice. “Why does Nicky need to apologize?” 

“He was pretty rude, assuming your sexuality like that. Whatever it may be, it’s _your_ business,” Dan looked up to the ceiling, sighing. “We didn’t suggest this talk because we wanted to tell _you_ about what we think you are, just tell you about stuff you might have missed. Also, he didn’t need to ‘out’ you in front of Andrew.” 

“Pardon me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t ‘outing’ someone means that person knows another person’s sexuality and is trying to expose them, usually to harmful situations?” 

“... Sort of?” Matt scratched the back of his head and seemed to struggle with what he wanted to say. 

“Then Nicky didn’t out me,” Neil said resolutely, before Matt could go on. “Because I don’t know my sexuality and I don’t think any of you who were there would take Nicky’s assumption to hurt me at all.” 

“You’re damn right we wouldn’t,” Matt nodded his head hard enough that his neck made a loud noise. “But Nicky was still in the wrong about making assumptions and saying them publicly. We were between friends, but even then his assumptions could have made you uncomfortable and feel the need to defend yourself by _telling us_ what you think of your sexuality, without us even making sure if you were ready. It’s not okay to make assumptions about people like that.” 

Neil looked at both of them and blinked. “You… do realize I know about your bets, right? And that one of them was related to me and Andrew?” 

Both Matt and Dan had the decency of looking properly shamed at their hypocrisy. “Which was not stellar of us, but at least we weren’t discussing that in front of both of you, or in an even more public space.” 

Neil could see where they were coming from, sort of. It was very much different from how he was raised, especially with the people who raised him. Mostly because gods and goddesses had to deal with any type of projection from their followers pretty constantly. Although Neil was fine with talking directly _to_ people and living amongst them—a practice that not all gods abide for—they still talked about him behind his back. They still saw things _they_ wanted to see when looking at Neil, assumed he was or acted like whatever pre-conceived notion of a god they had created in their heads. It put Neil in pedestals too often in his life, which was never a comfortable place to be. 

What the Fox employees did assume about him was nothing harmful in comparison to the expectations Neil had dealt with. They didn’t even seem to be able to connect the Neil they knew to the one that had been worshipped once upon a time—even after Kevin brought _textbooks_ that had depictions of Neil and his small temples and whatever stories had survived. 

Besides, assumptions felt like their normal _modus operandi_ , because Neil had seen them doing assumptions about their clients _all the time_. He had listened to them talk about clients after interviews—their expressions, phrases, clothes, just normal observations and mild speculation before a job was even secured—and assumed it was what the current society (the one Neil had noticed was heavily visual and on how you portrayed and behaved, which wasn’t something _new_ from what Neil had observed). What was _the_ norm for social behavior. 

“It wasn’t an entirely bad thing, though.” Neil felt like he needed to point it out. “It made me question what I feel towards Andrew in a way that would’ve never occurred me to question if I had been left alone.” 

“So, do you have feelings for him?” Matt asked eagerly, then winced when Dan elbowed him, looking embarrassed. “Asking as a friend, not someone who invested money in your answer.” 

Neil smiled. “I don’t know.” 

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Matt asked, frowning. “You said you thought about it.” 

“And I’m supposed to come up with an answer in two days?” Neil raised both of his eyebrows, laughing internally at the embarrassed look Matt exhibited, again. “How would I even _know_ if I have feelings for Andrew?” 

“Well, there are the cliches: butterflies, wanting to be near him _always_ …” 

“Are the cliches applicable to asexual people?” 

Both Dan and Matt blinked. “You’re asexual? Really?” 

“Why are both of you surprise by that?” Neil asked, baffled. “Even Nicky was surprised yesterday. I don’t get it.” 

“It’s just because… you don’t _see_ how you look at Andrew, buddy,” Matt said, slowly. 

“ _Explain._ ” 

“Like he’s important to you. Like you would be fine by just watching him navigating the world for a while, without interrupting or approaching. Don’t worry, though, he kind of does the same thing! Like, sometimes Andrew hands you stuff when you didn’t even say you wanted it.” 

Neil frowned and went quiet. The truth was, Neil _did_ look at Andrew like was important to him because _he was_. Priests were supposed to be important to their deity, not just another one in a sea of believers. About watching Andrew, well… he was interesting. Also, Andrew knew what Neil wanted because of the link they had. 

However, was Matt implying that asexual people… didn’t care about people? That didn’t seem right. Neil didn’t think the way he looked at Andrew was that different from the way he looked at Matt, sometimes. Matt was also important to Neil, because they were very good friends. Matt was also interesting for Neil, although for completely different reasons. Neil had specifically not chosen to hire Matt because he had been too _nice_ and Neil didn’t want to risk that. 

When he told all of that to Matt, however, he only received a tiny smile and a shake of head. “It’s different, buddy.” 

“Even if I’m asexual?” 

Both of them hesitated. “We don’t know.” 

Neil stared. “What do you mean, you don’t know? You were both yelling yesterday during Nicky and Renee’s presentation.” 

“Yeah, but we don’t have any asexual friends in our life,” Dan said. And then perked up. “That doesn’t mean we can’t learn, though! C’mon, let’s search for some stuff.” 

“Dan,” Neil cut her rambling back and forth with Matt. They had pulled out their phones and were talking about what their search results had given them. Loudly. Without even looking at Neil anymore. “I won’t watch anything right now, I’m _working_.” 

Dan and Matt stopped and looked at him with the thickest pleading face both of them were capable of. 

“It’s to help you know yourself better, though,” Dan said. 

“We need to educate ourselves,” Matt added. “Thank you for making us realize we didn’t know something! Now we need to do better.” 

“Can’t you give yourself one single day off?” Dan gave her best pleading face to Neil and Matt immediately mimicked her, so Neil knew they were trying to manipulate him. You are your own boss.” 

Neil looked from one to the other and sighed. “I’m going to finish this and then, _and only then_ , we’ll watch whatever you find. But only until Andrew arrived for our training session.” 

“How long will you take?” 

“Around forty-five minutes, if you let me work in peace,” which seemed to be reasonable enough, at least judging by the “Thank you!!!” they yelled in unison. They stood up from the table and went to Neil’s living room immediately to leave Neil to work in as much silence as it was possible, as long as he ignored their chatting animatedly about what they were finding. 

Neil went back to work with a sufferable sigh. He loved them, but he didn’t understand them or their enthusiasm sometimes. It felt good that they had this much interest in helping him, though, even at the expense of his productivity. With that in mind, Neil tried his best to ignore their low voices and concentrated on working faster. Even if he didn’t finish it in the time he had told them, he would go to spend time with them nonetheless. 

It seemed important to them to help him. And what was the worst that could happen? 

* * *

Turns out, it involved a lot of tip-toeing around before _any_ videos were shown to him. 

Dan and Matt had looked at him with trepidation when Neil came into his living room, which made Neil falter in one of his steps before he kept moving forward. They made Neil sit down across from them and looked at each other for a few seconds, before Matt asked, “How do you feel about talking about sex?” 

Neil raised a single eyebrow. “Why?” 

“Some asexual people aren’t comfortable talking about sex,” Dan said, but it didn’t feel like a sentence. It felt like it was a question that she hadn’t truly wanted to ask. 

“A lot of people had sex at my temples,” Neil told them in a blasé tone, and could have never predicted the way Matt seemed to have choke on nothing, forcing a shocked Dan to snap out of it and thump him in the back, hard. Neil waited for Matt’s breathing to calm down before saying anything else. “Talking about sex doesn’t bother me.” 

“What about talking about _you_ having sex?” Dan asked, bluntly. 

Neil opened his mouth to give an answer and nothing came out. He paused and thought it over, carefully. “I’ve never talked about it. Or participated in the act.” 

“Participated in the act,” Matt parroted and he looked like he was choking, but inside his mind. “Well… most of the stuff we found talk about sex itself, and how asexual people feel about it.” 

Neil shrugged after they watched him for a few seconds, waiting for protests. He didn’t have any. 

Carefully, Dan turned on Neil’s TV that barely saw any use, and broadcasted what she had found on her phone to it. Neil sat more comfortably and prepared himself to not try to zone out. Neil didn’t watch a lot of media, but they seemed to think he would end up traumatized by _seeing_ anything related to sex, or even talking about it. However, what Neil had gathered from the short films and TV series episodes they showed to him was… _confusing_. 

One of the short videos concentrated heavily on a couple where the woman wanted to have sex but the man had a “low libido”. Another had a pair of teenagers, the girl ready to have sex and the teenager somewhat not prepared for it. Another one had an asexual woman putting a Craigslist ad (whatever that was) in search of someone to have sex with her, to help manage her anxiety or something like it? 

One thing was clear for Dan and Matt when they were done with their little marathon, even if their questions hadn’t been answered: Neli didn’t have their standards for sexual education. 

“Don’t,” Neil told them when he saw Dan looking at Matt meaningfully. “I forbid both of you.” 

“But Neil…” 

“Do not even _think_ about creating a slide presentation on sexual education for me,” Neil warned them, a single finger waving menacingly in their direction. “I will revoke your friendship privileges, see if I don’t.” 

“Neil, you need—” 

“To be left alone, Dan. I don’t need a presentation about _everything_! I’m not ignorant of everything, just of most modern stuff! Sex wasn’t invented in modern times!” 

“But contraceptives were, and you need to know about them!” 

“I can Google it!” 

“Google is _not_ a substitute for a healthy, open communication, Neil! A safe space! Where you can ask stuff!” 

“I don’t need to ask you about condoms either! I’m not having sex with anyone! And I don’t plan to start!” 

“Oh my,” a voice said from the doorstep and all of them turned to look at Andrew. “Is Neil having the bird and the bees talk?” 

“He’s refusing to have one,” Dan said sulkily, as Neil got to his feet and went straight after his phone and his keys that he couldn’t find _anywhere_. 

“That’s because _I don’t need one_ ,” Neil said and then finally found his keys under Matt’s coat. “Also, I promised you both that I would only stay until Andrew arrived. Goodbye, c’mon, chop chop.” 

“You claim that you love me and then shoo me away from your home as if I am a stray dog?” Matt’s scoff and hurtful face were clearly fake as they both got up from his couch, turned off the TV and went to gather their stuff. Neil just squinted at him, annoyed. “You’re _cold_ , Mr. Josten.” 

“Love is a complex animal,” Neil used his wisest voice, but it was enough to draw a grin out of Matt. 

“This isn’t over yet,” Dan warned him, carrying her coat and Matt’s in both hands. “We’re gonna come back to this later.” 

“Can’t wait!” Neil said and had to bodily drag them outside so he could lock his door and walk brusquely towards Andrew’s car. 

Andrew didn’t seem to be worried about time, though, and walked leisurely to his side of the car while Dan continued trying to convince him to have a talk about sex in the future. When they were _finally_ inside of the car, Neil didn’t say anything to Andrew, but made sure he knew about his displeasure with a sour look. 

Andrew didn’t even acknowledged it. He just drove in his usual heart-racing manner. 

Neil couldn’t lie as he thought back on those videos (before they started to ask questions about his sex education): he had dozed off at some point and only paid half a mind to the episodes as he reflected on the information he was receiving, replying to Dan and Matt’s questions absentmindedly. Dan and Matt’s selection seemed to revolve around sex itself, and different levels of reaction to the act. 

The thing was, Neil simply didn’t _have_ an opinion about sex. It seemed useful, from a broad, human survival perspective, but humanity was doing fine without him doing his part. Neil understood that it was about pleasurable to some people, which was fine, but the short movies also made it clear it was something complicated for asexual people to navigate with… people who liked sex, whatever they were called. 

Neil thought hard about if he cared about sex and only got a nebulous nothing forming in his mind. He didn’t find the concept repulsive, but it also wasn’t… attractive? It was difficult to think conceptually about it. It felt inappropriate to think about Andrew and sex, and at the end of the day… Would imagining them having sex answer Neil’s questions? After all, how would that help him figure out his feelings towards Andrew? 

* * *

Their training was much more physically taxing for both of them that day. It was mainly fighting moves, both in dragon and human forms for Andrew, using their links in full-blast, as open as they could stand, so that Andrew could use Neil’s abilities in both of his shapes, as fluidly as he was capable of. 

It was an aspect of having a priest that Neil had always enjoyed, especially if the priest was a competent fighter—which Andrew was. Learning how to fight alongside someone else was an exercise of knowing how they ticked, their strengths and weaknesses. Learning how to fight alongside your priest was trying to find ways to make sure both of you were stronger together rather than apart. 

Andrew had a better grasp on Neil’s fire on dragon form, even if it was diminished by the fact that the sun was going down. He could even mix his own dragon fire with Neil’s most of the time, the white blur of Neil’s fire intertwining blindly with Andrew’s orange and red-toned fire. Andrew’s human form was much far behind in proficiency, though, lacking a whole lot in control. In a pinch, he could hold it alright, preferring to spit fire instead of manipulating with his hands. 

For Neil’s part, it was more difficult to access Andrew’s abilities. He couldn’t use Andrew’s dragon to transform himself because it didn’t _belong_ to him. Instead, he was able to use the dragon’s energy to transform his fire in a spiritual attack, as if the dragon’s claws were present in his fire when he used it, slashing everything solid in its path while burning it down. 

In a physical sense, Andrew didn’t have training in a specific fighting style, other than “dirty”, so it felt nice for Neil to formalize what Andrew already knew. 

However, fighting meant that Neil was close to Andrew. _Very_ close. Neil could smell his sweat, the cologne that he used. He could feel Andrew’s strength in every single move, his ruthlessness when he grabbed Neil by the back of his shirt and threw him forward, using their combined fire to propel him in the correct direction. 

Neil could appreciate how refined Andrew was becoming in his moves, but he didn’t feel like there was anything sexually attractive about it. Maybe it was okay that he didn’t. Neil thought Andrew was _fascinating_ to watch. Being away from humanity for so long, Neil had forgotten how interesting it was to watch some of them grow, regardless if it was into better or worse versions of themselves. As someone who had to deal closely with humans of a particular brand, Neil had always found it interesting to find what motivated them to make their lives mean something. _Who_ motivated them to do something. 

Neil had found some interesting humans in his life, but none of them sparked the same level of interest Andrew had. Some of that had to do with how little time Neil had to some of them, but others had been Neil’s priests. Still, Neil couldn’t think of a single priest who was as alluring as Andrew. 

He didn’t think it was anything _physical_ that allured him, though. It was just… Andrew. Just as he was. 

It could be related to the person Neil had become after so long running. It could be related to the role Andrew had had in the middle of a pivotal moment in Neil’s life. In the end, Neil couldn’t think of anyone who understood him as well as Andrew did, without even having to _speak_ all that much. So yes, Neil could admit that he wanted to be near Andrew for as long as he was allowed, so he could dissect what made him so intriguing, but… was that love? 

“Stop thinking,” Andrew snarled at him, bringing him back to the present. “You’re supposed to be training.” 

“I can multitask,” Neil replied, not sounding even a little out of breath. He was so close to Andrew through the link that he couldn’t help but smile at the spike of annoyance that Andrew felt because of the lack of tiredness in Neil’s voice. 

“Can you really?” Andrew said and increased the speed and strength of his attacks. Neil grinned and went just as hard as Andrew did. 

They ended up sprawled on the floor of the gym, panting. 

“You stopped thinking,” Andrew commented, voice more breath than sound. 

“Yes, I did,” Neil said, thinking, _For you. Because of you_. 

He didn’t know if that was love but he didn’t _need_ to know immediately. 

Neil had a lot of time. A human lifetime from now on since he had decided for a human death, but humans had been able to deal with that and still find fulfillment in their existence, or something close to it. 

Neil could do it too. 

* * *

Or rather, Neil _thought_ he could. 

It made sense, though, not to have that much time around. Or at least, Neil thought it made sense as he bled out in some kind of underground place. The only acceptable fate for a long-forgotten god was textbooks or irrelevancy. Neil already had one of those. His actual fate wasn’t important for the certainty of his perpetuated existence. 

It was a little surprising though, in the sense that he thought Moriyama would’ve at _least_ issued a warning of some sort, but there was nothing. Neil went to work, talked to people, met many funeral directors, hung out a little when he could with the Foxes—and a lot with Andrew, of course—but there were no messages reaching him about being watched. About maybe needing to watch his back. 

Yes, there had been the Nightmare and that warning, but… time was difficult to keep in check, especially when you’re used to not being affected by it. Neil was still adjusting to the whole mortality thing, but he also knew his father’s follower wouldn’t find him _immediately_. It was of no use to be hypervigilant for _nothing_. 

So, Neil was as careful as he knew how to be. Whenever he was out of his own apartment and the wards he had purchased through Wymack and his contacts—and additional wards given to him by grateful deities who had come to him with their problems—Neil would be alert. Ready to respond to any attack, as were the other Foxes who went out with him. He was never out in the open unprotected for too long, and he was _never_ alone. When he had to go inside an unfamiliar place, Neil went with his metaphysical finger on the trigger of his fire. 

He had some accidents where people startled him and he almost burned them seriously, but most of those victims were very understanding of the whole situation. Neil didn’t even have to make excuses, because they would make them for him; not only was Neil from a different time, but certainly if you lived long enough, you’d make an even greater number of enemies. 

Neil was careful, in his own capacity. 

He never expected he would have to employ the same level of vigilance _inside Fox Security_. 

After long months of negotiating, Wymack had finally convinced Neil to be hired as an occasional consultant. Neil had never fully grasped Wymack’s powers, only that his energy felt close enough to Kevin’s. Some of Wymack’s abilities were _different,_ and he was significantly more powerful than Kevin, of course. Still, Wymack wasn’t powerful enough to hide that he was something _more,_ only powerful enough that Neil wouldn’t be able to say with certainty how old exactly he was. 

Their agreement, however, was that whenever Wymack encountered some kind of ancient artifact that he couldn’t figure out, he would call Neil. 

It was true that Neil had a giant gap in his knowledge, dating from around the rise of the human Roman Empire—the _godly_ Roman Empire had risen much earlier than its human counterpart—until the present days, so Neil wasn’t called _that_ often, but… he tried to be helpful. And, if he couldn’t help, he had a newly formed network of deities who were always grateful to share their knowledge. 

So when Wymack called him on the next Monday, also known as presentation day, Neil prepared himself to be stuck at Fox Security for the rest of his day. Luckily, his responsibilities had all been dealt with already, which gave Neil enough peace of mind to get his own car—a novelty that many Foxes couldn’t believe he knew how to operate, to which Neil would always answer, “What, did you think I walked everywhere?”—and drive to Fox Security’s headquarters. 

Wymack didn’t give a lot of details—as a rule for his life, actually. He was somewhat private about himself and technically his personal _everything_ , and that was how Wymack conducted his business as well. Which was fine, but it meant that when Wymack had only told him, “Someone wants to pay us to transport a really old cursed object,” and no additional information was given… Well. It was _normal_ and not really worrying. 

Neil’s elevator trip to Wymack’s floor was silent, as was the reception of the Fox Security. He knew that Matt and Dan were in a short protection detail that spanned the entirety of the weekend, but they had promised to arrive in time for the presentation today—thankfully, _not_ related to sex education. Seth was never anywhere where people could be if he could help it, but he was in the building. Aaron, Kevin, Nicky and Andrew tended to be _even further_ away from where people could be, but still were probably in the building, while Renee and Allison sometimes substituted Abby in the receptionist desk. It was common for Abby to just leave the receptionist empty though, if she was going to come back. 

So, Neil didn’t think it was _weird_. 

He walked to Wymack’s office and knocked on the door, opening it after the muffled, “Come in!” 

There was an unknown woman, Wymack, Abby and Renee in there, all four of them raising their eyes from the old muddy jar on Wymack’s desk to watch as Neil entered the room. 

“Hello,” Neil said, tone as politely as he could make it. A chorus of greetings was given back to him, then Wymack promptly turned to the woman. 

“Mrs. Smith, I’m going to have to ask you to wait outside, as we agreed.” 

“Of course, Mr. Wymack,” she said with a gracious smile. “Excuse me.” 

When she passed Neil, he could feel the hum of the disguise she had pulled over herself. It wasn’t _unusual_ to see people with disguises at Fox Security, though. They _did_ pretty much accept to at least meet with anyone that came to the building, although Wymack made it clear that wether they would get their cases depended on the employees, not on himself. 

Neil waited until the door was close to approach the desk, lowering his tone as much as he could. “Did she give you any information about it?” 

“Just that it used to belong to the temple of an old god of whatever the name of the nomadic group was, I don’t speak Historian.” Wymack cleared his throat and Neil just blinked at him for a few seconds. “She was also told that it was cursed, but she has touched it before and it never did anything to her.” 

“And she wants to transport it to…” 

“We haven’t discussed that yet. I wanted your input first.” 

Neil nodded absentmindedly and walked over to the side of Wymack’s desk that all of them were standing, trying to pick up something from the jar until he was hit with a strand of— 

“Death,” he said, looking at Renee. 

“Yes, Wymack noticed it right away and called me,” Renee’s expression when she looked at the jar was complex, but also distrustful. “I know it has some kind of death seal over it, but I can feel _exactly_ what it wants.” 

“It was put in there by another necromancer, then,” Neil said. 

“Exactly.” 

Neil hummed and Wymack moved so he could stand right in front of the jar, giving more space for Neil. The exterior of the artifact was still muddled with years of dirt, so there was absolutely no chance of recognizing any particular features in it. 

With a snap of his fingers, Neil made a tiny ball of floating flame appear. It floated uncertainly until it entered the jar and took its shine outside of view. Neil used the fire to explore the interior, but he couldn’t feel anything malicious in there. Whatever had been placed by this unknown necromancer, it was done only on the outside. 

“Not made to snatch and store souls, huh?” Wymack mused and both Neil and Renee hummed in agreement. 

Neil still had the ball of flame inside, so he had to rid himself of his dignity and self-respect to go on his tippy toes, trying to see something inside the jar. He heard Wymack snort and try to hide it, but he didn’t care about it enough to glare at him. 

Neil squinted, trying to see if the light was illuminating anything abnormal. There was nothing on the walls of the jar, but the bottom had some kind of... marking. Neil stretched as much as he could, trying to see more, dimming the ball of flame so it wasn’t blowing out all the details, and Neil saw— 

His father’s sigil. 

One of the earlier ones, when his father had started to grow in popularity. 

Neil wanted to recoil, but he ended up doing something worse: he tipped forward, lost his balance and was going to flop face first on the desk. Heart in his mouth, Neil was able to catch himself on his elbows painfully and he held his breath as the jar vibrated on the surface. 

However clumsy he had been, Neil was truly glad that he had to keep his hand from touching the jar. Or at least, he thought he had succeeded, but then Neil felt something _snatching_ the control of his hand from him, and he knew it was over. In a blink of an eye, Neil was touching something cool and slightly gritty. 

Without his input, his fingers splayed open and wrapped themselves firmly around the jar. Neil could feel whatever had been drawn on the surface of the jar lighting up, becoming alive. Dust and dirt were falling in clumps off of it, revealing the crimson red coating on the jar and drawings that were _oh so_ familiar to Neil, although it had been more than millennia since Neil had last seen one. The jar was also _firmly_ attached to Neil’s palm: he would not move, unless whoever had cast the design _wanted_ him to. 

“Neil…” Wymack started, clearly meaning to chew Neil for touching the jar. 

“It’s meant for me,” Neil said urgently. “It activated as soon as I got near it. It’s a flytrap.” 

“Get the woman,” Wymack said urgently, and both Renee and Abby moved to the door at the same time. 

“Empty,” Abby gasped when they got to the door. “She’s not here anymore.” 

“Renee!” Wymack yelled. 

“Yes!” Renee answered, not needing an explanation at all as she ran for the computers. Or maybe call for help. Neil knew neither of those would help anything. 

“Is it a death trap?” Wymack asked urgently. “Will it try to kill you?” 

“I don’t think so,” Neil said, testing the jar with his own magic, now that he was already touching it. “It feels… temporary?” 

“How so?” 

“Like…” Neil’s eyes widened. “Shit. It’s a portal!” 

Wymack cursed behind him and, at the same time, Neil felt something poking him from the inside. 

_Andrew_. 

They couldn’t _talk_. Not exactly, at least, as in full dialogues with full sentences. That wasn’t the _purpose_ of the link between a god and their priest. 

Neil also probably didn’t have a lot of time. He could already feel the uncomfortable sensation of being _pulled_. 

So he tried to open the link between them much more than they had _ever_ done before _,_ giving Andrew his own eyes. So he could know where Neil was going and who he was seeing. 

Then Neil was gone, lost to darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> I really need to stop using kidnapping as a plot point. Sorry about it aaaaaaaaaaaaa  
>   
> Ace Material that I very briefly mentioned in this, in a grossly minimal summarization of them lmao:  
>   
> [It’s Not You, It’s Not Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqhgnfFi_e8). (implied sexual visuals)  
>   
> [Ace and Anxious](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeWUrTz91SI). (there’s a short, not explicit scene of masturbation)  
>   
> and Episode 4 of the second season of Sex Education, although I didn’t watch more than two minutes of it because I already found something to mention about it and Neil phased out of awareness and didn’t watch all of it lmao The Summary I read for it was… a Lot tho.  
> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> a little bit of torture, a little bit of a surprise connection and a whole lot of screaming at a hospital.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Graphic depiction of torture on the second section of this chapter. Jump to the third chapter break if you want to avoid it!  
> 

The thing about portals like that one was that they were meant for short travels, for people with teleportation abilities and for immortal beings—who would feel uncomfortable in it, but wouldn’t ride the thin line between life and death, as would painfully happen to a mortal being if it were to accidentally use it. 

Therefore, to say that Neil reached the other side of the portal _disoriented_ would be a big understatement. Neil came out of it with tears in his eyes, ready to spill, skin crawling with how his body temperature had been raised on the trip. Neil had never been as aware of the fact that he had a fully formed skeleton under his skin and muscles and, for a few moments, Neil felt unsure if he could use his own healing powers to sort himself out. 

He fell to the ground as soon as he’d reached the other side, obviously. Not only because of the pulsing pain but also because portals would deliver you wherever they lead in the _exact_ position you entered them; Neil’s last position had been precarious, to say the least. Somewhat undignified. He would have to be a better mortal to be able to stay standing, and he was new at this whole mortal thing. 

Forcing himself to kneel on the ground instead of sprawl, Neil closed his eyes, taking deep breaths to ride the pain. He thoroughly could not worry about _who_ had brought him here—especially since he had an idea, sort of. With his eyes closed, he could almost feel as if Andrew was present with him, a few inches to his left, doing his best to make their connection as open as possible. 

That was… unexpected. If it was one of his father’s people—the last one left alive—and Neil was truly their target, the least that should have been done was to ward the place to make sure the person was safe against _gods_ with priests. There were some ways to achieve that, and they weren’t exactly hard to find out about. 

Could this be someone else? Neil had thought that this was maybe his father’s mysterious priestess, who had _finally_ come for him, but… she wouldn’t make such an obvious mistake, would she? 

Neil shook his head and focused on healing himself enough that he could open his side of the connection as well, to send his location to Andrew. It didn’t matter if it was intentional or not, if it was the priestess or not. Neil had a way to be found and he would use it. 

“Hello,” a female voice said from the darkness, startling Neil enough into opening his eyes. “I heard you were going by Neil now?” 

Neil didn’t answer, but the person didn’t seem to care to wait for his input. She finally came into Neil’s field of vision, under the sparse light of the candles. It _was_ his father’s priestess, whose face Neil had last seen as she disappeared with his father’s bodies. Lola Malcolm. Not only a portal creator apparently, but also a necromancer powerful enough to operate the relics from an already dead god. 

Neil hadn’t known she was a necromancer. It was a rare ability nowadays, and there was nothing about it on the research that Wymack had done when they’d finally learned her name. If they didn’t know, that meant the _Moriyamas_ also didn’t know. 

It didn’t matter what her ability was, though. What mattered was keeping himself conscious and present so Andrew could know where he was. Neil was still too disoriented to be able to accurately calculate how far Andrew was from him. He hoped Andrew was getting enough from him to come to the correct direction despite Neil’s own disorientedness. Maybe tell the Moriyamas if they had foolishly decided not to do anything about this as well, so Ichirou Moriyama could honor their agreement before anything happened to _him,_ and they would finally be rid of each other. 

Neil was brought back to his body when he felt a burst of malicious energy approaching from his back, too quick for him to dodge. Neil shuddered as icy fingers locked themselves around his arms, his legs, firmer than any steel. Neil used his fire to try to burn whatever it was, but Lola came out of the shadows in a brusque move with a big fire extinguisher in her hand, spraying white powder all over Neil who coughed as he helplessly inhaled the chemicals, which only made him inhale even _more._

Andrew’s dragon growled on the other side of their link as it kept trying to reach Neil, a strong message without words of _Protect! almost_ reaching Neil, but stopping short because the dragon couldn’t leave Andrew’s body. It paced, frustrated, and there was nothing Neil could do other than send an alert that he was getting lightheaded from not breathing—not helpful to calm an enraged dragon. 

As his body rocked with the force of his cough, Neil only sort of listened as Lola made a big ruckus. Not wanting to be attacked again without at least seeing it, Neil quickly lifted his head and watched through bleary eyes as she dragged a big casket in a wheeled table closer to Neil. 

“Would you like to hear a story? About how you killed the love of my life and how you are going to die because of it?” She proceeded to use all of her strength to force whatever was in the casket upright, and Neil almost _gagged_ when she succeeded, staring at the half-rotten face of his father, who could not stare back at Neil for lack of eyes. The fact that his father was this intact was a testament about Lola’s powers, but still… it had been almost a full year. He looked awful, and Neil couldn’t look away. “Which is going to be difficult to accomplish, won’t it? Since you have that pesky immortality inside of you.” 

Lola’s smile was perverse as she gently laid his father’s body back down on the casket. As if it would make a difference to be gentle to a _rotting corpse_. Neil was still nauseated when she turned to him, but at least he wasn’t coughing anymore. “I’m going to tell you our love story as I carve your beautiful immortal body as happily as I want to. And you can decide if you’re going to spew your immortality back out or nicely tell me where the _fuck_ you put the immortality that belonged to your dad. Think wisely, okay?” 

Neil _was_ thinking and all he was doing was reaching the conclusion that Lola was either incredibly _dumb_ or just delusional. Even if she used her powers to try to keep his father’s body from getting _too_ decayed—wasting her powers basically, and Neil knew that if his father was around to see it, he would definitely not be happy about it—it wouldn’t be possible for her to just… force his father back alive by giving him his immortality back. 

Neil had seen deities dying. It differed from a human death, maybe because of the effects of immortality. Necromancers could force someone back alive if it had been close enough to the death because the soul hung around for a little longer. If it had been too long, a powerful necromancer could infuse the corpse with enough power that it would _look_ lifelike. But it would never be alive _again_. 

Deities’ souls didn’t hang out for a while at all, let alone _months_. If you had a dead god, it would _stay dead_. Which begged the question: was Lola a shitty necromancer or just a crazy one? 

Neil looked at her still smiling face and grimly believed it was the latter. 

“Oh, and also: I’m sorry that your protection detail won’t be able to do _anything_ for you, okay? It’s very sad, but unfortunately none of them can teleport for shit, I checked their files while I was there today. Can you believe they let me in _even_ after realizing I had a disguise? It was very stupid of them. I’m sorry you won’t be able to tell them about it so they can change their security measures, though, you’ll have to hope they realize it on their own. There are no trackers on you too, so I guess they already didn’t care all that much about security. Lousy business practices from a Security Company, I guess. I know you have something up with Moriyama, the traitorous fucking snake, but the men Moriyama had put to follow me won’t help you at all. They don’t know this place exists, so… you’re on your own, sweetie.” 

Neil tried not to show reactions on his face to thatas Lola smiled at him like a cat who got the bird, but he was somewhat _hopeful_ about his future. Lola thought the Fox Security’s employees, _all of them_ , were only his _hired security_. She didn’t know Neil had a priest, and Lola wasn’t one anymore. She probably didn’t have any power that would make her realize Neil was connected to a priest right then, broadcasting his location loudly. 

Andrew would lead everybody to him, and Neil would be fine. He just had to survive Lola and her torture. While pretending that he was still immortal. And without using his fire, because he didn’t want to learn how many fire extinguishers Lola had at her disposal. It certainly couldn’t be healthy for his lungs. Neil’s healing abilities were too weak to rely on them to bring him back alive if something happened. 

Andrew would arrive, though. Neil couldn’t possibly be further than 4 hours from them. That was _nothing_ for a drag—oh, Andrew wouldn’t be able to fly if Neil would be making him feel his pain—and Neil would, unintentionally. It was how the bond worked when they weren’t many priests to share the burden. Neil tried to send Andrew a message that would translate as, _Don’t fly!!!,_ but he probably wasn’t successful from Andrew’s obvious confusion. 

Grimly, Neil thought Andrew would soon learn what he meant. Neil hoped he would be safe wherever he was going to crash and fall down. 

Neil, on the other hand, only had to hold on. It had been awhile since his last torture session, and this would be the first time without the cushion of immortality granting him the knowledge that it would take a lot to kill him. Also, it would be different from the last few tortures just because most people that were able to capture and torture him in the recent past wanted to keep him alive until his father could arrive. 

Neil doubted Lola cared at all about keeping him alive all that long. Yes, she wanted her immortality, but she also didn’t seem to have a good grasp on logic and sanity. 

“So, are you ready for your bedtime story?” 

Neil didn’t reply. Only ready himself to heal his body time and time again. 

* * *

It was sobering to realize that he had forgotten what genuine pain felt like. 

Neil also had forgotten what it was like to _bleed_ a normal amount. How taxing it was to heal himself over and over. Neil’s abilities as a healer were limited to being with, but especially at night since his powers were heavily powered by the sun. 

It didn’t help that Lola wouldn’t _shut up_. She kept talking about how much she had loved Neil’s father, that for more than a lifetime she had been _dedicated_ to him and his ideals. Taking into consideration how delirious Neil was from pain, he almost wanted to ask her what made her devotion be classified as love, instead of obsession. His throat was already damaged enough from shouting though, so Neil didn’t even know if he’d be able to speak properly. 

Also, _she was insane_. Neil didn’t think whatever reply she came up with would be credible. 

Neil knew she was insane because she kept repeating that Neil “only had to give her his immortality, so she could bring Nathan to life”. Neil was in so much pain that he didn’t even _register_ who she was talking about until it finally clicked. 

The laughter was unstoppable. Neil was poked with three knives in the muscle of his thigh and he gasped, but the laughter still stuttered through the pain. _His father had also adopted a normal human name_. All of them had adopted human names. That was _hilarious,_ but also… 

Being a god really was a dead business nowadays, huh? 

Lola seemed to think that Neil was the one who was actually insane, apparently, because she poked him in the face with one of her knives. Not breaking the skin, just trying to call his attention back to her and she watched his pained, delirious grin for a few seconds. “You’re gone already, aren’t you?” 

“I mean,” Neil panted. “You didn’t give me that many choices.” 

“You could stop the fake bleeding,” she told him, reasonably. “We both know gods don’t bleed this much. Your father used to say how you were good at subterfuges to help people who prayed for you, but I never imagined you were _this_ good _._ ” 

Neil didn’t answer, because there was no reason for him to. Lola frowned at him but decided that it wasn’t worth it to investigate it, taking her phone from her front pocket and frowning at it instead. 

“Forty minutes have passed already,” she sighed, looking at Neil with annoyance now. “You are taking longer to crack than what I had predicted. Your father used to say what a coward you were and how you used to crumble under pain.” 

Neil smiled. “I crumbled under _him_ and his methods of inflicting pain. You are not in any shape or form good enough at this to compare to _him_.” 

Lola glared at him, making a movement with her left hand. The corpse who was holding Neil’s arm kneeled on top of his elbow. Neil didn’t have time to do anything else other than inhale quickly and hold his breath as the corpse _pulled_ his arm upwards, breaking it. 

Neil refused to scream right then. He would not give Lola the satisfaction. 

Unfortunately, Neil couldn’t block his pain from Andrew, who Neil could almost _feel_ flinching inside of a car. Andrew had stopped flying pretty early in the torture, and was probably guiding them in between the pain. Andrew’s dragon roaring was almost audible as it paced the boundaries of Andrew’s body. It could feel Andrew’s link towards Neil, but it couldn’t understand how to travel through it. 

“Whoopsie,” Lola said, bringing Neil back to the present. “I’m so sorry.” 

The corpse who was holding Neil’s left leg moved as well. Neil looked at the ceiling above of him and tried to close his connections to Andrew, at the same time that he was starting to tremble uncontrollably. He didn’t know if he was cold, but he knew that the wound in his arm was bleeding _a lot_ for only a broken arm. 

Could it have affected an arther— 

The corpse broke his right foot. 

Then his right knee. 

Then Lola started to smash his left toes, trying to do it one by one. 

Neil knew he was going into shock at some point in the middle of all of those wounds. Unfortunately, the focus on trying to make sure Andrew didn’t feel the pain was more and more difficult to grasp. Neil wasn’t _coping_ with the pain anymore, only swimming in it, almost becoming one with it. He tried his best to numb him, but Andrew must have felt something too, from the way he was almost _screaming_ in Neil’s head—because Neil himself was screaming internally through him, maybe. 

Then Neil realized that Andrew was trying to push through the connection; Andrew was metaphorically screaming because he couldn’t find Neil if he was trying his hardest to close down the connection. Apparently, Neil had become a less intelligent version of himself when he took out his own immortality. 

Neil hesitated. He didn’t want to make Andrew live every single pain he was going through, but… he wanted to be found. 

In the end, he didn’t have to make a decision: Lola’s next move was to _stab him_ in the gut _._

It was like a switch had gone off. Neil’s body felt limp in a floaty way, as if he was and wasn’t connected to it anymore. He felt his connection with Andrew opening up again though, as Lola dragged the knife up his abdomen, blood bubbling out of the wound. 

Neil looked down as much as he could, hyper-focusing on the knife sticking out of him. What he could see of the blade was black, as what the hilt, with some red embellishments. It was clearly a ceremonial knife from his father’s rituals, the sigil old and worn-out on the wood, but still identifiable. Neil remembered that his father had the habit of asking his followers to _dismember_ and _eviscerate_ all sacrifices that were done to him. 

Lola must have been a terrible priestess, because _this_ wasn’t eviscerating him. It was actually probably damaging his spleen or something. Neil didn’t know what was under the knife right at that moment, but whatever it was, it didn’t like being stabbed. 

“My father would have cut your hand for doing such a terrible job at removing the organs,” Neil told Lola, or at least he _thought_ he did. He almost couldn’t hear what his voice sounded like through his stunned brain. It was impossible to know if it was anything other than a garbled mess. 

Lola was able to understand him though, if the growling in annoyance was an indication. Maybe the second knife she stuck on him was also a tell, this one a bithigher, perforating his lung. Neil felt a dribble of blood coming out of his hang-open mouth. Lola seemed mesmerized as she watched the trail of blood making its way down Neil’s jaw, to the side of his neck, to dribble pathetically on the ground. 

“Why is he bleeding so much…” Lola said, mostly to herself. “He’s immortal.” 

“Am I, Lola?” Neil said in a soft voice, looking her dead in the eyes. “Are you sure?” 

“You _are_ immortal!” Lola screamed, panic starting to settle in her eyes. “Nathan said you were!” 

Neil coughed, but didn’t reply. He could feel himself _slipping_ , and he couldn’t stop himself from taking a _long_ blink—the dangerous kind. His eyes flew open when Lola slapped him hard across the face, though. 

“Do _not_ pass out,” Lola snarled. “You still have to give me something to put inside of him.” 

Neil looked at the casket where his father’s corpse was, the corpse itself thankfully out of sight. Neil sighed. 

“There’s nothing to put inside of him,” Neil told her. “He’s gone.” 

“ _He’s not_ ,” Lola screamed and pulled both knives from Neil’s torso. An enormous quantity of blood started to leave his body and suddenly Neil was— 

Gone. 

Not dead, just… In front of Andrew. Who was sitting in the backseat of a car, alone. No one was in the car with him, because no one else had a connection to Neil. This was where Andrew _currently_ was, Neil knew this, but the place where they were right now was the real world. It was a vision, a projection. The _last_ vision, as deities referred to it. 

“Ah,” Neil said, and he sounded much more coherent than whatever he had been in that underground place. “This is certainly not great.” 

Andrew was panting as he held his own stomach. As if that would be enough to calm his dragon—or even Neil’s bleeding. On his other hand, Andrew was holding Neil’s immortality. 

“Oh, that’s a smart idea,” Neil told Andrew, smiling. “I don’t know if you’ll arrive on time for it to be useful, though.” 

“You won’t fucking die,” Andrew told him, enraged. His eyes were frantically looking at Neil’s face and Neil observed him, fascinated. That was more emotion than he’d ever seen there. Neil didn’t know if it was a good thing that a situation like this was enough to make Andrew _emote_ this much. He almost felt bad about the way he automatically stored Andrew’s wide eyes and thinned lips to memory. “We’re almost there. Twenty minutes tops.” 

Neil thought about speeding tickets. Too sad they might be for nothing. 

“I don’t have any energy to heal my wound anymore, Andrew,” Neil told him, gently. 

“Take mine,” Andrew said, and Neil shook his head. 

“It wouldn’t be enough. I’d end up taking too much energy from you and it would drain you dry. I might _kill_ you because of it and I’m not willing to do that to you.” 

“ _I’m telling you to fucking do it_!” Andrew yelled and Neil’s eyes widened as he looked at Andrew truly losing his hard-won control. 

“Andrew…” 

“Neil?” _Another voice_ said and Neil turned to look behind where he was floating. “What’s happening? What’s this?” 

_Matt_ was staring at him from the passenger seat, seemingly shocked at being able to see Neil. Then Matt coughed as if he was chocking on something thick, face contorting in pain as put one hand to clutch at his stomach. Just like Andrew still was doing with his. 

“Oh, no,” Neil said, frantically watching as Matt kept coughing. “Oh, this is not good.” 

“What did you do?” Andrew asked, looking at Matt as well. 

“Well…” Neil hesitated and heard Matt talking, but it was clearly with someone in the real world. Neil was too far gone to even _know_ if Lola was still touching his body. “I might have _two_ priests right now.” 

“Is that enough to make you survive?” Andrew asked urgently. Neil stared at him. “We’re around fourteen minutes away from you now. The Moriyamas didn’t have anyone from the family available to send to where Lola took you.” 

Neil snorted. “They could’ve _hired_ someone. Moriyama is playing a really dangerous game...” 

“Neil, _focus_ ,” Andrew snarled. “Can you use both of us to keep you alive for fourteen minutes?” 

Neil smiled at Andrew. “Maybe. Guess we’ll see. Matt?” 

Matt looked up at Neil, apparently still stunned by the pain. “Yeah?” 

“I’m going to use part of your energy to keep myself alive,” Neil told him gently and calmly. “Do you allow it?” 

Matt didn’t even hesitate. 

“Do it.” 

* * *

Neil had been with Lola for less than a full hour. 

Andrew knew exactly how long, but Neil didn’t bother to register it as anything other than the longest period of time from his mortal life. Neil had used a little of Matt’s reserve of power to keep his wounds _stable_ , because he wouldn’t dare to try to fully heal himself right then. He was still too close to death, and he couldn’t be 100% sure that he would stop himself from draining their life force. Killing one or _both_ of them was unacceptable. 

Andrew’s reserve of power went into building a shield around his body in reality, startling Lola badly enough that she lost control of her dead and, when she got it back, it was too late. Her puppets were on the outside of Neil’s barrier and, when they tried to come in, Andrew’s dragon tore their limbs apart. 

“You have _priests_?!?!” Lola screeched and Neil was trying too hard not to die to even chuckle at how incredulous she sounded. Lola tried everything to get through his shields, but it was impossible. 

When the Foxes arrived, they killed Lola so fast that she didn’t even have the chance to try to defend herself. Not that it would’ve made any difference to her—there were too many of them against her. It was a quick death, though. Much more than she deserved, but Neil was merciful. 

Also, almost dead. 

Both Andrew and Matt were able to walk through the barrier without problems but they stopped anyone else from trying to come after them. 

“Put it down,” Andrew told him. 

“I’m going to pass out as soon as I put it down,” Neil told him, shaking his head. “Matt, raise my body up. Andrew, slid the immortality down my throat.” 

They both did what they were told. As soon as Neil felt the immortality settled inside of him, warming up his core, he stopped syphoning both their energy, and immediately begun to bleed again. 

At least Abby was there quickly, using her own healing powers to immediately stabilize him as they prepared a makeshift bed to carry Neil to the car and then to the hospital. 

“The bodies need to be destroyed,” Neil said, fighting the feeling that wanted him to shut down. Moriyama _would_ deal with anything involving authorities, or Neil would fucking _destroy_ him. “Burn them, explode them, _whatever_. Just don’t let their bodies intact.” 

“Don’t worry, Neil.” Wymack gave him the most serious look Neil had ever seen on his face. “They won’t.” 

Neil knew he started to say something but it was too late. He fainted halfway through his thought. 

* * *

“Priests,” Nicky repeated, shocked. “ _Priests?_ ” 

“It makes sense, since Neil is a god,” Dan said, then frowned. “Is that why you share long looks with Andrew? Because you’re giving him mystery messages?” 

Neil squirmed and didn’t really want to reply. The relationship between a god and a priest wasn’t supposed to be _talked_ about candidly like this, in the midst of people who weren’t priests themselves, or even believers. And, since Neil wasn’t _worshipped_ anymore, there would never be anyone to talk about the subject other than Andrew and Matt—and only them. 

“Priests?” Nicky repeated another time, still sounding halfway to being hysterical. 

“Has this been going on since you finished your contract with us?” Aaron snarled and he sounded _angry_ , which made no sense to Neil. His dragon was also unreasonably angry. Why were they so angry? 

Even better, why was Aaron there? He was terrible at a fight, and wouldn’t help at all. Neil looked at Andrew, who couldn’t know what he was thinking, but also seemed unwilling to provide Aaron with an answer. Neil sighed and did it himself. 

“It has been going on since I left you in that hotel in Tokyo.” 

“WHAT THE FUCK,” Nicky yelled and all of them shushed him because _this was still a hospital_. “All this time? Priests???” 

“Well, Andrew has been my priest since Japan,” Neil clarified. “Matt became my priest tonight.” 

“So you reallyaren’t into Andrew,” Nicky grunted, a sound full of complaint. “I can’t believe I was _that_ wrong.” 

Neil squinted at him but remained silent. Why incriminate himself when he still didn’t have a solid answer? 

A nurse walked in front of Neil’s hospital door and glared at them, probably because of Nicky’s scream. However, it didn’t matter how annoyed she was at Nicky: less than five seconds under Neil’s gaze was enough to make her drop her gaze and head down, scurrying back to her station with silent steps. 

When they brought Neil in, they tried to immediately hook him up with IV, treating him as if he was a normal patient, not interested at all in what the Foxes were trying to tell them. However, it didn’t take that long for them to learn that Neil’s immortality was doing its job, healing his broken bones and righting their position as if it was nothing, and also pushing the IV needle out of Neil’s body as if it was a projectile. 

They couldn’t ignore what the Foxes were saying then. By then, Neil himself was already awake, so he told them he truly was a god as the Foxes had been trying to tell them—which caused a minor crisis, because the hospital staff had to go dig through the old archives to find out what was the appropriate protocol to treat wounded gods. 

Turns out, it involved allowing the priests to be with the god for as long as they saw fit and to allow their believers and followers to be in the room as well. 

Suddenly, all of the Foxes were believers. And that was how they could all stay in the hospital room together and annoy the nurses at the same time that Neil intimidated them. 

Neil would’ve protested against the presence of _some_ of them, if he had been conscious, also aware that they would be screaming while his body tried to heal him, but Neil had to be honest with himself; it wasn’t like he minded it _all_ that much. He could deal with their nosiness, no problem. 

“I told you you were wrong,” Aaron told Nicky, scoffing. “There’s no way a weirdo like Neil knows anything about love.” 

Neil was immediately annoyed. He almost called a nurse to inform her that Aaron had just been kicked out from their religious group but… what would be the reason? Because he annoyed Neil? 

_Why_ was Neil annoyed? 

Both Andrew and Matt were staring at Neil. Neil, in turn, avoided their gazes. 

“They could’ve just been having sex, Aaron,” Nicky replied and Neil sighed at the ceiling. It had been more peaceful and less enraging when he was being tortured. 

Aaron and Nicky were about to start bickering, Allison almost vibrating with the want to speak as well, when Wymack finally came through the hospital door, looking first at Aaron and Nicky, who closed their mouths almost in unison, then at Neil, still lying on the bed. 

“When are they going to discharge you?” Wymack asked, closing the door again. 

“As soon as my priests deem me back in full health.” 

“Are you?” Wymack stared at Neil even after he nodded, gesturing with his head to the corridor outside of Neil’s door. “There are a lot of reporters out there. Apparently, someone leaked that there’s a god here—an actual god, wounded but surrounded by his followers, it’s what they’re saying there. I can almost read the articles about cults writing themselves down already.” 

Neil sighed, preparing himself to say goodbye to his peace and quiet in the future. He doubted he would be able to keep his anonymity for much longer, if the press investigated the region even a little. Turns out, Lola was so confident in her hiding place that she hadn’t even gone _that_ far out of the city. He turned to Andrew. “Can you give me a ride back to Fox Security?” 

Andrew nodded and they all started to organize how they would go out—would one of them pretend to be a god? Would they just walk out, one by one? Or together? 

Neil didn’t bother to pay attention to what they were saying. He was almost absentmindedly plucking the connection to his priest _s_ , and he jumped a little when Matt plucked his back at him. 

“This is _insanely_ cool,” Matt told Neil. 

Neil frowned at him. “Don’t be so hasty. I still need to talk to you about what it entails.” 

“Doesn’t matter what it entails to me, buddy. I’m still gonna keep being your priest.” Neil stared him down judgementally, but Matt only kept grinning at him. After the Foxes got loud with their arguing again, bringing the nurse back to Neil’s door, Matt let his voice get gentle as he elaborated. “Neil, I don’t _ever_ want to feel you in that much pain again.” 

“Even if you have to give me a good portion of your life to keep me intact?” 

“That’s what friends do,” Matt told him, shrugging. “We’ll do anything we can so that our friends can live happily and longly as humanly possible.” 

“That seems like a _lot_ to ask out of a friendship.” 

Matt smiled wide. “That’s why I’m your priest now, I guess.” 

Neil frowned but didn’t argue. He would have time to explain everything to Matt. It didn’t take long for the same tiny, angry nurse that kept pacing in front of his room to guide Andrew and Neil towards the hospital’s roof. It didn’t take long for them to be flying away, the night air cold against Neil’s skin but not bothersome, with Neil’s immortality churning away in his core. Neil hoped hard that Nicky wasn’t down there, saying anything that would accidentally expose Neil as a god while Nicky himself posed as one, but… There was nothing he could do if Nicky did say something. Besides, he would probably survive the experience. 

Trying to find comfort with that thought and failing a little, Neil laid himself down on Andrew’s neck and closed his eyes so he could at least try to relax. He felt too wired to sleep properly, but also light enough that he could almost fly on his own. Neil was finally _free_ to live his life fully. He felt Andrew prodding at that feeling, but he quickly left him alone when he deemed it harmless. 

Neil smiled, eyes still closed. Matt plucked at their connection and Neil plucked it back. 

Neil had his priests, his life and no more enemies openly hunting him down. 

He would live. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> I know, I know, I also need to stop using torture as a plot point, but! At least this one was very short? And I tried not to make any descriptions too graphic or gore-y.  
>   
> It’s 4 am in my time and it took me more than one hour to edit this chapter. Still! I refuse to go to bed before posting everything!!!!!  
> (This updated on the notes are thoroughly useless, but I hope someone’s at least appreciating them a little lmao)  
> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> Tying some loose knots, trying some new stuff and maybe fucking around to find out.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  This is it, my lovelies! The last one!  
>   
> Now that the last obstacle to Neil’s peace of mind has been dealt with, he can go back to just thinking about Andrew and what they can have. Turns out, it’s maybe a bit of sex. Can I get an yeehaw to demisexuality?  
>   
> (if it wasn’t clear, the sex that is commented, although not fully depicted is between Neil and Andrew, yes.)  
> 

The first thing Neil received when they got back was the visit of Ichirou Moriyama himself in the Fox Security’s building. Neil honestly wished he could have just gone _straight_ towards the bedroom he still held as his in the building, but it was important to him to get this done as soon as possible. Get all of his loose ties dealt with. 

Moriyama looked the same as he had the first and last time Neil had ever seen him, although the bright lights of the Fox Security’s meeting room offered a lot more illumination than what had been provided to Neil at the base of a volcano. Still, Moriyama could do a lot to change his appearance and it would never be enough to make Neil believe he was anything other than the same wolf in sheep’s clothing. 

“What can I do for you, Mr. Moriyama?” Neil said, sitting down at the other end of the table, Andrew and Matt sitting to each side of him. Moriyama looked from Andrew to Matt, then raised an eyebrow at Neil. “Yes, they are staying.” 

“Are you sure that’s wise?” 

“I’m not exactly certain,” Neil contemplated, frowning as he gently patted his own cheek with his pointer finger. “But I’m also not sure I should trust your expertise, since your part of our agreement was you making sure the last surviving follower of my father wouldn’t capture me, and yet… I was not only captured, but torture.” 

“Yes, I… know it,” Moriyama sighed. “Actually, I felt it.” 

Neil smiled at him tightly. “Which means you deliberately _neglected me_ and the vow we made.” 

Moriyama turned his face away, but didn’t dispute that. While he had been in the hospital, Neil thought that had been what happened because Andrew had told him later that, although Wymack had tried to get his contacts to send a message to Moriyama, apparently the family was in a bit of _situation_ with one of their high-ranking people and help took its _sweet ass_ time to reach Neil. “Did the immortality I told you where to look for survive? Or you never found it?” 

Moriyama’s jaw clenched, and that was enough of an answer for Neil, who only nodded and tried not to laugh at his obvious displeasure. It wasn’t like Neil hadn’t told him he had to be careful with how much he tried to bend the limits of his promises. 

“You’re lucky,” Neil told Moriyama, who looked back at him sharply. “If I had died, _you_ would have died as well.” 

“You were an immortal being, I imagined you _wouldn’t die_.” 

“Immortality means I get to live for a long time, not forever,” Neil told him but didn’t elaborate on it, despite the curious frown Moriyama was giving him. 

Neil couldn’t _read_ Matt’s thoughts, nor did Matt have a handy dragon to make his moods clearer, but he could almost _feel_ Matt repressing himself. Belatedly, Neil realized he hadn’t really told the Foxes that he was going around without his immortality for a few months now. 

Well, Neil was going to have to talk to them anyway because they surely would have questions about everything that had happened, so Matt could exercise a little patience for now. 

“What happens now?” Moriyama asked and took a small velvet bag from inside his jacket. “What do I do with _this_?” 

“You can throw it in the garbage,” Neil answered and shrugged when Moriyama glared at him. “Or you can try to find a deity who would willingly swallow it for you and hope that their energy would be powerful enough to restore the immortality back to its former state.” 

“But then… wouldn’t I only be able to have the immortality back after 10 years?” Moriyama frowned. “That’s what you said when we made the agreement.” 

“Yes, I remember what I said, and it’s exactly the same.” Neil didn’t comment on how hard it would be to find an already immortal god willing to take _their_ immortality out to fix an old one because he was talking to Moriyama, and he probably could find a way to do anything. However, Neil also didn’t exactly cared right then. He didn’t have any business with Moriyama—at least, he wouldn’t have in a few moments. 

Moriyama didn’t seem to have gotten that memo, though. “Would you do it?” 

Neil smiled. “We already had an agreement where I was _un_ satisfied with your performance, so no. I truly wish you luck on trying to find someone who’s willing to do it for you, though.” 

“I can offer you whatever you want.” 

“What I wanted was a certain person dead and not after me. At the very minimum, I wanted that person caught before they could get me. You didn’t deliver and suffered the consequences.” 

“I _did_ sent help,” Moriyama spoke through gritted-teeth and Neil unfortunately couldn’t rein in his smile. 

“Yes, you did. _Eventually_. When we had already left the hospital. Now, if you don’t mind, I still need to recover from the attack and also take care of my business. I’m glad our agreement is over.” Neil stood slowly from his chair, Andrew and Matt doing the same. He could almost _feel_ Moriyama wanting to ask him to stay, to offer more so Neil would help him, but why should he? What did Moriyama have to offer to someone like Neil? Their previous agreement was done for. There was nothing left for them to offer each other. 

So Moriyama kept himself quiet as Neil, Andrew and Matt exited the meeting room, unspokenly moving towards the elevator and going to the residential floors of the Tower. 

* * *

With the whole “Andrew is Neil’s priest” thing out in the open, the Foxes seemed to have collectively decided that there wasn’t anything going on with them, romantic or not, and the staring that they had been subjected to every time they were together had pretty much stopped. 

The thing was, it was true that nothing romantically had been going on, _technically_. However, their staring had always been a two-way street muddled with feelings Neil didn’t know how to name and felt like he would have time to figure it out. Having to face the consequences of his desire for mortality made Neil realize that he already _knew_ the answer. There was nothing left to think about. Seeing Andrew that emotional over him had stirred things in Neil, but the most important thing was… why did he need to find someone out there to validate what he perceived his feelings to be? The probability of him finding someone in the same exact situation he had grown up were so infinitesimally _small_ that it seemed stupid to hope to find that mystical person. 

The only thing Neil needed was the knowledge that when Neil was looking at Andrew, more often than not he would get Andrew’s attention back at him as well, or Andrew’s attention would already be on him in the first place. And it felt _good_ to be watched. Better than any type of attention Neil had ever received. 

Neil didn’t know if this was a _symptom_ of love. He didn’t know if what he felt had anything with being asexual or any of those other terms. 

But after this whole torturing and almost dying fiasco, and also being exposed to a version of Andrew that Neil had never seen, Neil found himself forced to consider the fact that he didn’t even think that, if he could experience feelings and sexuality in a way that was different from the rest of the world, so could Andrew. Neil had been so focused on trying to figure out if he felt anything towards Andrew, that he felt _stupid_ for not considering how Andrew must navigate his sexuality with the trauma he had already told Neil about, through stories badly disguised in metaphors. 

But how would Neil even _ask_ Andrew something like that? 

Turns out, he didn’t have to. 

“Whatever it is that’s making you this tense, get rid of it,” Andrew told him when they were in the car, going to the community center once more because being kidnapped and tortured might be two things that happened to Neil, but it wasn’t a reason to slack on their training, or letting their bond grow strong with no vigilance. 

Neil had told Matt that he should think for a week if he truly wanted to keep being Neil’s priest or not—Matt had just given him an exasperated look, but at least he didn’t argue—so they didn’t have a training schedule yet, but they would _need_ one. 

They would probably also need a schedule to train _together._

Neil could already feel the future headaches he was going to have to heal, but he was also excited about it. 

“ _Neil,_ ” Andrew hissed, bringing Neil to the car again. Andrew’s hands on the steering wheels were white, knuckles protruding. “Fucking stop.” 

“What is love to you?” Neil asked and shrugged at the quick look Andrew sent him. “What? You said you wanted me to get rid of it.” 

“Why the fuck are you thinking about _love_?” 

“Because I’m still doing the whole trying to figure out my feelings for you.” 

“ _You don’t have feelings towards me_ ,” Andrew snarled and then slammed on the breaks, making the seatbelt dig uncomfortably on Neil’s neck. 

Neil didn’t let that stop him, though. He felt the same need to _nag_ at Andrew that he always had when they were near each other. “Are you saying that because _you_ know what love feels like or because you know what I feel like and, by your interpretation, that’s not love?” 

“I’m saying that because _I’m not interested in a romantic relationship_ ,” Andrew got out of the car and angrily slammed his door, which Neil thought was an exaggerated action. 

But, on top of it all, Neil was mostly glad to finally have an answer. 

“Thank you,” Neil told Andrew. 

Andrew stopped marching away from Neil. “For what?” 

“For being honest about what you don’t want.” 

Andrew tensed up again and seemed ready to start ranting at him, then he stopped and took a long look at Neil. Andrew frowned at him a little. “You’re not…” 

Neil looked at Andrew after he trailed into silence and kept himself quiet for a few seconds. “What?” 

“You’re not _sad,_ or disappointed,” Andrew squinted at Neil. “You understand I don’t want a romantic relationship?” 

“Yes?” Neil said, confused. “You just said it. I can still care about you without making it about trying to _have_ anything with you, since you want nothing romantic. Or sexual, I assume?” 

Andrew stared at Neil in silence for a few seconds and then said, deliberately slowly, “I only have sexual relations with people whom I trust.” 

That… made a lot of sense to Neil. For a second, Neil thought about asking if Andrew claimed any label to himself, but Neil quickly realized how invasive that would be. They were familiar with each other’s past; Andrew would tell him if he wanted to. Neil would never forget the few fairy tales Andrew had told him when they were first getting to know each other. They painted a picture about Andrew and how he grew up, which made it clear how much Andrew needed to _trust_ people before _anything_. That he needed to have trust in someone to have a sexual relationship made _sense,_ and it was enough knowledge for Neil. 

Until he thought about it a little more deeply and realized that… that kind of implied Andrew didn’t trust Neil? 

“ _Now_ you’re hurt, but it isn’t related to what I said, is it?” 

“A little.” Neil sighed and decided to cut Andrew from the effort of needling the information out of him. “I just… thought you trusted me.” 

Andrew stopped walking, _again_. “Are you hurt that I haven’t tried to sleep with you?” 

Neil stopped, shrugged, and decided to be honest. “A little.” 

“You…” Andrew seemed speechless, which was a rare sight. Neil basked in it, even though he was still feeling a bit… yeah. “Didn’t you said you were asexual?” 

“I said that I had never felt sexual _attraction_ towards anyone,” Neil said, then thought about it for a few seconds. “It doesn’t mean that I’m completely against having new experiences, I guess.” 

“I won’t be your experiment, Neil.” 

“No, you won’t. You are my priest and that always comes first, but… I trust you. I would feel safe having my first sexual experiences with you because I _trust_ you.” 

Andrew gave his back to Neil again and walked away. Neil followed and tried not to think about their conversation, because he could _see_ Andrew thinking about it as they fought. Close combat was on the schedule today—human form, so Andrew could try to use Neil’s fire in a fight, Andrew’s control of the fire even worse than usual by how his mind was _not_ into it at all. 

Neil concentrated on keeping an acceptable, _safe_ pace, the fire making the air between them crackle and heat up. Neil could see Andrew getting sweatier and sweatier because of his long-sleeved shirt coupled together with his armbands. It wouldn’t take long for Neil himself to start sweating, no matter how much fire was his element. 

They would need to stop to hydrate soon, Neil knew. So, Neil thought it would be a good idea to go all out and amped up the pace, using his fire more and more—in a controlled manner, of course, he just wanted to _tire_ Andrew out, not to wound or kill him. Neil _had_ to smile at how hard Andrew tried to keep up, especially since Andrew _often_ didn’t even try all that hard in close-combat. Neil was having _fun,_ honestly, and he smiled— 

Andrew froze up and stopped. 

Neil had been going for a punch at Andrew’s face, but at Andrew’s low, “Stop,” Neil was forced to use his momentum to fall to the side so he would miss Andrew’s face—even though he _knew_ it would pass really close to Andrew’s already not perfectly straight nose. Neil prepared himself to fall on the ground with his full weight, hoping he wouldn’t get _too_ winded, wouldn’t choke on air— 

Then. Arms. Around his waist. 

Andrew held Neil’s weight effortlessly—his arms didn’t tremble, even after how hard they had been fighting. Andrew’s breathing pattern was a mess, though, only made worse by the way Andrew’s eyes checked Neil’s face all over. 

Neil was about to reassure him he could let him go when Andrew asked, “Yes or no?” 

Neil frowned, then… He noticed. Tiny things of interest, that jumped to the forefront of his mind like wet cotton balls, attention immediately amplified. Andrew’s stare at Neil’s slightly open mouth. Andrew’s fingers clutching at Neil’s shirt—Neil could almost feel the dragon’s claws wanting to find purchase on Neil’s skin, to never let him go, to keep him _pliant_ in his hold. Neil could do nothing but hold his breath as he reciprocated the attention towards Andrew’s mouth _._

“I’ve never kissed anyone before,” Neil warned Andrew. 

Andrew just rolled his eyes. “Yes or—” 

“Yes,” Neil said, and let his breath out in a whoosh when Andrew let his body fall the last few inches to the ground. After getting winded by the abrupt fall, Neil didn’t bother to worry about his breath anyway because it was being stolen by Andrew’s lips, Andrew’s tongue, Andrew’s hand in Neil’s hair. 

Neil kept himself in the moment and tried to mimic whatever Andrew was doing and listened to Andrew’s hands silently directing him on when to turn his head, when to _exist_ , when to— 

Neil was being consumed, in the best way. 

And Neil didn’t know if this was what everyone experienced when kissing, but Neil didn’t want to _stop._ Ever. 

* * *

So. Kissing Andrew felt… nice. Nicer than Neil had expected, actually. 

It wasn’t like Neil had anything to compare it to, exactly. However, from how Neil had always viewed physical touch and its usefulness—or rather, _lack_ of usefulness—and from consuming so much information about asexuality, Neil had thought it would be… tolerable. 

It was much more than tolerable, in reality. Desirable, even. Neil didn’t think he would’ve felt anything like it with anyone else, though. 

And he didn’t _want_ it if it was anyone else. 

They took it slow, but all that touch had a clear path ahead of them, progressing in escalation. At first, it was only kissing—as stated, more than nice for Neil, and without any complaints from Andrew, so probably fine on that end as well. Then came the heavy touching, then some articles of clothes came off and—well, let’s just say that Neil thought it was interesting to learn he could view orgasm other than something he used to do perfunctionally. Just dealing with the problem to make it go away quickly. Orgasms with Andrew sometimes weren’t a quick process but Neil would never complain. It was a whole novel way of observing Andrew and his mannerisms, a whole new experience to explore how Andrew functioned. Neil catalogued every reaction to every touch with unusual eagerness. 

Andrew was thorough about _everything_ —what kind of touch was allowed, what kind of _talk_ was acceptable—and it was the clear guidelines that made everything much more enjoyable to Neil. He didn’t feel awkward about his inexperience because Andrew knew how to tell him exactly what _he_ wanted and Neil knew that he would also extend the same respect towards Neil, if he was to voice his discomfort. 

Surprisingly, Neil didn’t have _any_. Everything he did with Andrew—from the first few make-out sessions to everything their… sessions grew out to be. 

Which made Neil somewhat confused about his sexuality again, of course. Asexuality had made sense to him, but… if he was asexual and he desired physical touch with Andrew so much, could he still be asexual? 

Andrew only stared at Neil when he asked him. Neil prodded him a little, more out of frustration over thinking he had _understood_ something than a desire to force Andrew to share what he didn’t want to. 

Surprising, Andrew did reply. “Asexuality is an _umbrella_ term, Neil. You can claim the term for yourself and still feel sexual attraction in specific situations. Search again for ‘demisexuality’, since you apparently forgot everything Renee said.” 

So Neil did. 

With the hindsight of… _everything_ , Demisexuality felt like something had clicked on Neil. A close emotional bond made sense to him when he first heard it, but it hadn’t _clicked_ with him like it did now. He had been close to people in the past, but he had interpreted emotional bond as in _romantic_ bond. As soon as he framed it as “trust”—in the sense that Andrew and him viewed it, the weight they both put in it—he could understand why he didn’t have absolutely any problems with going to bed with Andrew. 

How could he have learned that before when no one had ever come as close to how _much_ he trusted Andrew—inherently, just by everything that he was? 

Even though he thought that _fitted_ better, Neil was still confused about some aspects of it. It seemed that the usual demisexual experience involved a serious relationship, which wasn’t exactly what he had with Andrew. 

Well, he was serious about treating Andrew seriously, but knew Neil the commitment was different. Again, he didn’t _need_ the external confirmation—or the label itself, but it felt… nice to explore himself. It felt nice to collect things that made him a real _mortal_. 

That was when it came in handy to have a connection with someone else: Neil could _compare_. Ask things. 

New bonds weren’t as _deep_ emotionally for the god (a protection feature, put in place to avoid what today was called _possession_ ), but the priest side of it could feel... more. Neil couldn’t ask Andrew to help him, but that’s where Matt came in like a blessing. 

“It’s…” Matt hesitated and then sighed. “I don’t mean this to shame you in any way, but it feels _weird_ on my end because it’s not what I’m used to. You experience… stuff differently than me.” 

“You mean physical touch?” Neil asked, and Matt looked at the ceiling and mumbled something. “What did you say?” 

“I can’t believe how you are so chillwith talking about these things,” Matt said with a giggle and Neil frowned at him. It wasn’t like he had said they were fucking or anything _crude_. “You’re old. You should be, like… conservative.” 

“Sex rituals were a thing in the past, Matthew.” Matt laughed and choked on his breath, and Neil slowly lost his frown as he watched him. “Sex wasn’t something _shameful_ for all of us, ‘old people‘.” 

“I know.” Matt’s voice sounded strangled, but after a few seconds he took a deep breath and visibly steeled himself to go through with this conversation. “When you’re kissing Andrew—and let me tell you, I really wish I didn’t feel what you feel when you kiss him, it makes things kinda _strange_ when I see him at work, even though Andrew doesn’t even _look_ at me—I can… feel that you enjoy it. When you started to…” 

“Have oral sex.” 

“Yeah, that.” Matt took a few calming breaths, clearly trying to stave off the giggles. “I could feel that you liked it, but you don’t… crave second rounds.” 

“Because when it’s over, it means that _Andrew_ doesn’t want to do anything else. And I respect that.” 

“Yeah, but like… when I look at Dan, I _want_ her. Even when she isn’t doing anything particularly seductive. She can be just existing sometimes and I’ll get caught up in my feelings of love for her and that’s deeply connected to how often I want to… _touch_ her, but you aren’t like that.” 

“I thought we had already established that I was in the asexual spectrum?” Neil was a little confused with the route this conversation was taking. “Can’t demisexual people experience sexual attraction differently?” 

“Oh, definitely.” Matt frowned and then sighed. “I guess I never realised how much of my time was spent feeling horny until I could feel what you feel and how _not horny_ you are, generally. You love _differently_ , but it’s still love.” 

Neil could understand that. He sort of had to make the same realization, forever ago, sort of. It wasn’t a discussion that he had ever had with anyone. It made Neil feel he was a little more _human_ if there were other people out in the world who felt like _he_ did. 

Then Neil _actually_ registered what Matt had just said. 

“Wait. You are _certain_ I love Andrew?” 

Matt froze. “Isn’t that why you started to go to bed with him?” 

“Not… really? We were talking about what my feelings for him and Andrew said he didn’t want a romantic relationship, and he only had sexual relations with people he could trust to follow his directions.” Neil shrugged at Matt’s incredulous face. 

“ _That’s_ why?” 

“Yes? Why?” 

“That’s… I thought you realized you love him. You mean you don’t?” 

“I don’t know if I do, since I don’t really know what that feels like. That’s why I asked _you_.” Neil looked at Matt’s shocked face and frowned. “Well, I had felt what my previous priests thought about their lovers and spouses, but… I didn’t have this emotions then. I can’t ask about these things to Andrew. Not only he doesn’t want it, Andrew… deals with emotions differently. I just… accepted that I would never understand their love and I’ll never know how, or if _Andrew_ feels love.” 

“But… Neil, you dolove like us!” Matt seemed perplexed. “The physical attraction works a bit different, sure, but the emotional part of it… that’s love.” 

Neil frowned. “Explain what you think of my feelings.” 

Matt seemed exasperated. “You enjoy his company over anyone else’s, even mine—which doesn’t hurt, alright? This isn’t me complaining. You have fondness over the stuff that he does, when most of us would just think it’s annoying or distasteful. You _trust_ him. You feel safe with him. You feel alright on your own, but you _come alive_ whenever you are with him. And it doesn’t feel the same as the companionship you feel with us,your friends. You… you just _love_ him.” 

“Oh,” Neil doesn’t really know what you feel about this confirmation of his feelings. It was nice, but… “It changes nothing.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Andrew doesn’t want a romantic relationship,” Neil said, and he almost wanted to look away from how Matt was looking at him—pitiful, as if Neil should be in _pain_ over this, even though Neil wasn’t, not at all. “It’s nice to have confirmation of what I could only guess, but in the end, it’s not important.” 

Matt’s mouth instantly turned down as his eyes burned with a bit of anger. “Did he tell you it wasn’t important?” 

“Matt, we don’t talk about feelings. What is the point of me thinking what I feel romantically for him is important, when he already stated he doesn’t want it? And, since I’ll never have it, I guess it’s better for me to think about it as little as possible. Maybe it will go away, then?” Matt kept looking more and more bewildered. “It could just be a passing infatuation.” 

“An infa—” Matt cut himself off with an angry huff and looked away from Neil for a few seconds as he tried to recompose himself. Neil very carefully did his best to shield against whatever Matt was currently feeling, just in case. When Matt was ready to go back to the conversation, he turned in such a sudden move that Neil almost jumped. “What if he never wants a romantic relationship?” 

Neil couldn’t understand what Matt wasn’t _getting_. “He told me that before we started this.” 

“Yes, but you must have gone into it _hoping_ he would change his mind.” 

Neil frowned, hard. “No, I didn’t. He said he didn’t want it, so I had no business putting any sort of expectations on him. I could explore a side I had never really felt interested in trying out before Andrew… Maybe because I already loved him, but that’s not what’s important. I… I trust him, like he trusts me. And if I never really get anything more than this physical relationship with Andrew, it’s… honestly, fine?” 

Matt was looking at Neil like he couldn’t believe what he was listening, but that was okay. Matt knew that Neil was sincere, and it wasn’t like Neil could understand what Matt meant about starting things with Andrew under unrealistic expectations. 

“So, what you’re saying is that even if Andrew never loves you… You’re fine with it?” 

“I have his trust. That’s enough for me.” 

“You… deal surprisingly well with unrequited love for someone who is the God of Challenges.” 

“ _Ex-_ god,” Neil corrected, then sighed. “Sometimes you need to be okay with what you have instead of wanting to have _more_. It’s good to make peace with the fact that what you have is _enough_ , instead of falling prey to greediness. Most importantly, _people’s explicit wants and desires_ override what you want them to give to you, especially if getting what you want means that you’re killing part of their free will. I’d rather love Andrew and never be loved back than nag Andrew to love me until it sours our relationship.” 

“What if just by feeling the way you feel, you’re already putting pressure on him?” Matt asked, which made Neil stop. Neil hadn’t thought about that. “Andrew might not want you to love him at all.” 

“Well…” He paused and looked away from Matt. “If that’s the case, then I have to trust that he’ll tell me when it becomes too much for him. And then I’ll have to do my best to let him go.” 

* * *

Neil truly believed that if Andrew one day came to him and wanted to end it—either the sex part of their relationship, or the kissing part, or even their entire bond—he would just accept it. 

He had done it before. The life of a priest wasn’t perfect for everybody. Neil used to have enough priests to deal with whatever happened until the new bond was thoroughly broken. Even though he wasn’t the same person anymore, Neil still knew he would do it. He knew it would probably be more painful than anything he had done in the past, but it was what was right. 

However, it was somewhat baffling that Neil simply hadn’t realized that… Andrew must have known what _Neil_ felt for him. Even if Andrew didn’t _want_ a romantic relationship, he never said or implied that he didn’t know what that felt like. Andrew could possibly have known what Neil didn’t really know how to classify himself, and... decided not to _say_ anything. 

Well… _possibly_. Neil couldn’t confirm unless he asked Andrew, and he really didn’t think that would go well. 

Even if Neil had never thought about what Andrew must or must not have known… It sort of didn’t matter. Who would benefit from Neil asking him about it? Not anybody, because nothing would _change_. Or rather, everything good in Neil life could crumble apart, and he was _happy_ with how things were. There was no need to prod at the ant’s nest to see if it went deeper than the tiny hole at the surface. 

So even though it put the development of Andrew accepting Neil’s offer in a new light, Neil could do nothing other than expect that Andrew would _tell him_ if his feelings were burdensome. Andrew would tell Neil what he wanted, as he already did. 

And Neil would _listen_ to him. 

Which was all that mattered. 

* * *

Matt and Neil never talked about Neil’s feelings again. Matt still didn’t understand how Neil was okay with it, but he kept quiet on the subject. 

Andrew, of course, didn’t question why they kept looking at each other when they were in the same room, or even when they all finally started training together—which was chaotic to say the least—or when they went back to doing their presentations. 

Andrew and Neil were fine with their mutual silence, though, apparently. They were taking it _slow_ , just.. exploring. 

So slow he took it. Andrew introduced him to sex toys—which led to Neil telling Andrew about how, sometimes, gods would use their powers during sex, which led to _Neil_ using his healing powers on Andrew. Mostly to leave hickies on his neck that were immediately healed, to feel Andrew’s dragon become a cooked noodle instead of a worm, while Andrew glared at Neil for daring to make him feel good, or something. Neil knew better than to comment on the reactions he got. 

Andrew even felt comfortable enough to start _sleeping_ on Neil’s bed after they were done. That led to a lot more make-out sessions in the mornings, or even in the middle of the night, after one of them had woken up from a nightmare and wanted to erase it with pleasure. 

On the night everything fell apart, Neil woke up because he heard Andrew gasp—not loudly, Andrew was never one to advertise his fear. Neil could almost _taste_ Andrew’s fire just by how restless his dragon was inside of him, though. 

“Andrew?” Neil asked groggily, clearing his voice so that it wasn’t just a garble of low and husky sounds. “You need water?” 

Andrew didn’t answer, which wasn’t unusual. Neil kept himself in the same position on the bed because he couldn’t know how _present_ Andrew was. The last thing he wanted was to make Andrew register him as a threat. 

As he waited, Neil let his own mind wander wherever it wanted, as long as he didn’t fall back asleep. Andrew rarely wanted Neil to _comfort_ him, but Neil could always think soothing things for himself, which would eventually bleed over onto Andrew through the bond. 

Neil had just been thinking about their previous day—it had been a Saturday spent in Neil’s living room, Andrew helping Neil with technology stuff because, although Neil was better at it already, he sometimes needed help keeping things in a respectable condition. The victim that day had been Neil’s website—well, the website he _should_ have had already, but never hired someone to do it for him. Neil did not understand what to put in the boxes Matt and Dan had said were “essential” for his business, like the Mission or the About me. 

It felt nice to have Andrew by his side, giving suggestions and then typing away what they agreed upon because he was faster. It felt nice to have support, since it had been forever since Neil had felt that. It was the first time that Andrew hadn’t only stayed overnight, but also _past_ the morning. Andrew could’ve just _gone home_ at some point when he noticed Neil had work to do, but he stayed. 

It had been great. Calming, especially taking into consideration how Neil had been avoiding doing it because he didn’t know how to do it. Andrew clearly didn’t care about wasting his day writing about cremation rates and other death related stuff, even making suggestions that would make what Neil wanted to say clearer or better. Neil had been glad for Andrew’s presence. 

The sex they had after they were done was also nice. 

And also the after-sex shower. 

And the dinner Andrew had ordered. 

It had been an overall wonderful two days, basically. 

“ _Shut up_ ,” Andrew hissed, so full of anger that it took Neil a moment to realize Andrew was talking to _him_. “Stop that.” 

“Stop… what?” Neil asked, genuinely confused. 

“Stop _feeling_ that,” Andrew growled and Neil turned to look at him, growing even more puzzled at the way Andrew’s fists were trembling with barely contained anger. 

Neil almost asked, “Feeling what?” but then he realized that Andrew had finally addressed the enormous elephant in their room that was Neil’s romantic feelings. 

Neil couldn’t help the way he stiffened all over. Here it was, Andrew making clear his feelings had finally grown burdensome. 

“I’m sorry,” Neil said, and had to clear his voice to try to make it louder. He had sounded like a whisper of what he intended. “I’ll… I will shield harder.” 

Andrew rumbled as if he was going to roar his dragon roar, and it felt startling to hear it from his human throat. “I don’t want you to feel _that_ way about me at all!” 

Neil opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. 

Andrew wasn’t done yet, though. 

“I’m tired of how you just… feel like that about me and don’t expect anything back. You just go around thinking you love me when _you don’t,_ you just _fucking don’t_!” 

Neil frowned. “Well... I mean, I _do,_ technically,even though I can understand that this is not something you want—” 

“ _You don’t_!” Neil tried not to let his eyes widened at Andrew’s _yell_. Andrew never yelled, no matter how angry he was. No matter _what_ he felt, Andrew was the paragon of control—he would let his dragon pace, but his _actions_ were always coldly calculated. Now, with his wild, wide eyes and snarling mouth, he looked the furthest away from control. Neil wished he could help Andrew with _anything_ that would make him feel okay because Andrew was clearly not okay at all. 

Then. The last blow. “I’m fucking tired of you feeling so much... _softness_ when you think about me. I’m even more tired of how you don’t fucking put any expectations on how you feel. Do you really expect me to believe that this farce is _real_?” 

Neil couldn’t think of what to say. He knew he was currently feeling baffled, utterly confused but, most of all, he could feel _hurt_ growing inside of him. He tried to squash it down, but it was overwhelming. 

He wasn’t hurt that Andrew didn’t want his feelings—he already knew he didn’t. He wasn’t hurt that Andrew was angry about it either, since Neil could imagine how frustrating it must be for Andrew to feel someone loving him when he doesn’t want that. 

However, the fact that Andrew thought Neil would know how to _lie_ about his feelings—even worse, that Neil would _fake them_ —was hurtful. The way that Andrew seemed to think that Neil feeling no expectationson their relationship was actually him just faking it? 

That hurt a lot. Because if Andrew couldn’t _trust_ that what Neil felt was actually what he felt… that meant that Andrew didn’t _trust_ Neil’s feelings. So Neil had been hurting Andrew and his trust in him all this time without knowing? 

Neil suddenly realized that he had stopped focusing on his shield, because he saw Andrew’s wide eyes—surprise this time, not rage—and Neil couldn’t— 

He had to— 

Neil was _not_ going to cry _right now_ — 

Neil jumped from the bed, almost tripping on the blanket he had on his legs, and went to get his running clothes. Since he didn’t have anyone following him anymore, Neil had felt more and more comfortable to try hobbies, like running—something he had been surprised to find out he still _loved_. Neil had spent such a long portion of his life running that he didn’t know he could find it pleasurable, but it was. 

It was also great to empty his mind. The rhythm, the impact of his shoes on the ground, the _speed_ , all of it was perfect to soothe him when he needed to make himself think about nothing. It was the only thing Neil could think that would make him shield _at all, dammit_. 

“I’m going on a run,” Neil said, and almost didn’t get his keys and phone before running out of the apartment. He would run as far as he could, the night sky moonless and muted with just a handful of stars visible against the bright gloom of the sleeping city. It was so early, time didn’t feel like anything remotely real. Nothing right then felt remotely real other than his feet hitting the pavement with heavy thumps… 

Too slow, though. Neil had to be faster, so his thoughts wouldn’t catch up with him. 

Neil ran and shielded unconsciously. 

He would have time to come up with something that would satisfy Andrew’s desire to not deal with Neil’s feelings, but right now, Neil needed to run in order to not crumble into the ground, for hurting whatever trust Andrew had held for him. 

* * *

Neil felt the sunrise in his bones before the sky changed colors and brightened up again. Before the sun itself actually started to peak around the horizon. It felt heavy enough to make Neil slow down a little, mostly from surprise. 

Neil hadn’t been paying attention to where he was going and low long he had been running—which was definitely going to bite him in the ass when he had to come back, not just to his home but to himself _,_ instead of being just a pair of legs moving, just impact of shoes on hard asphalt, just lungs _struggling_. 

Neil was trying not to think and doing a pretty good job of it. 

Which meant that when he felt Mattprodding at his shields, he got confused. He could feel Matt’s… desperation, faint compared to anything he could feel from Andrew, but much stronger than what Matt should have felt like, which meant that Matt must be incredibly panicked. Neil stopped running altogether when he realized that, noticing that the sun was already out and about, although his warmth was still missing. It was mostly light, to awake birds and gods alike. 

_Matt_ being awake at this time and feeling _that_ panicked though? Nota nice thought at all. 

Neil opened up their bond—just between him and Matt. He kept shielding against Andrew—but there was no _explanation_. The bond didn’t work like that. What Neil could say was that Matt was worried, panicked and frantic. 

Neil patted his pocket and was glad that not only he remembered to bring his phone, he also hadn’t lost it as he ran, which unfortunately had happened before. Neil fished the phone out and woke up the screen to see he had _120 missed calls_ from Matt. 

Eyes widening, Neil clicked on the thingies that would make the phone call Matt and put it on to his ear, heart suddenly pounding not only from the exercise. 

Matt picked his phone up on the second beep. “What’s wrong?” Neil asked. “Is someone hurt?” 

“What’s _wrong_?!” Matt sounded winded, though Neil could hear that he was in a car, so it probably wasn’t physical exertion. “I’m the one who should ask you what’s wrong!!!” 

“I…” Neil panted and frowned. “I don’t know what you mean.” 

“I’ll tell you what I mean,” Matt said, still sounding winded. Neil realized that Matt was at the _brink_ of an anxiety attack and he frowned harder. “I woke up feeling _your hurt_ over something, then you’re running and I feel _nothing_ as you shield me harder than ever before, even harder than when you were being _tortured_. I visit your house to find _only_ Andrew there, who doesn’t fucking know where you went and who closed the door on my fucking face. I could only feel you were getting farther and farther away, but I can’t really _pinpoint_ your location on a GPS! I still don’t know how the bond works perfectly! I had to put all the Foxes who I was able to wake up in the car, you could’ve been running from _someone_ again and I’m _so worried_ , are you fucking okay, dude?” 

Neil blinked a couple of times. “Yes?” he said, hesitantly. 

_“Why do you sound like you aren’t sure?!”_

“Yes, I’m okay physically.” Neil was still hesitant to say more, especially since Matt seemed to be hyperventilating a lot on the other side of the line. “I… Andrew and I had a fight, sort of. It’s complicated. You felt my _emotional_ hurt, not physical. I swear if I was in actual danger, it didn’t matter how much I tried to shield, the bond self-defense would eventually activate and override it, so you would eventually be able to find me. I’m sorry I worried you, Matt.” 

Neil listen as Matt repeated his explanation in a muffled jumble of words—Seth complained loudly, of course, but Neil heard someone telling him to _Shut the fuck up,_ and then Matt was back. 

“I’m glad you’re okay, buddy.” 

“Thank you,” Neil said, politely. Guiltily. “I’m really sorry for worrying you.” 

“It’s… okay,” Matt said and sighed. “We can talk about it later. Do you need a ride back home?” 

Home. 

Neil sighed and he knew Matt felt the pang of hurt and guilt he felt as he thought of that word. 

“No, thank you.” Neil looked up at the sun unblinkingly. “I’m not going back home yet.” 

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Matt hesitated and then sighed. “You know you can call me if you change your mind, right?” 

Neil knew, but right at that moment, he thought he had run enough. 

“I know, but… I need to call someone else right now.” 

“We’re going back home then,” Matt informed him, and Neil hummed his reply. “ _Don’t_ hesitate to call us if you need to, alright?” 

Neil agreed, and they hung up. Neil looked around at where he was, knowing he was absolutely lost. He remembered vaguely that he had left Palmetto at some point and had been running alongside one road that lead away from it. It had few cars right then, since it was so early, but things would pick up soon. 

It didn’t matter that it was early. Neil knew he was still awake, could feel his awareness over the other side of the bond. With a sigh, Neil had to admit he didn’t think his call would be ignored, and he had to do it. He had to give Andrew the opportunity to end everything he wanted. Since he had made it clear, he wanted no part in feeling Neil’s feelings. 

With that on the back of his consciousness, Neil dialed Andrew. 

* * *

When Andrew picked up the phone, he said nothing. Not a “Hello”, not Neil’s name, just absolute silence on the other side of the line. Neil had even been startled when the phone stopped making the beeping dial sound. He took the phone away from his ear to look at the screen, hoping there was nothing wrong with it because he wouldn’t know how to fix it, but there wasn’t. The call had connected, and there was a timer under Andrew’s name. 

Neil took a deep breath. It felt like he’d never be able to release it, lodged as it was right above his tense stomach. 

“I know you said you didn’t want a romantic relationship, and I set out from the beginning with the intent of _never_ making my feelings hurt you, because you didn’t ask, want or expected me to have them for you. They were not your responsibility, and I _never_ wanted to make you feel like they were. 

“That being said, I can see how the way I feel, even without putting expectations onto you, might have been… distressing. I was counting from the beginning that if my feelings didn’t bother you before, you would at least inform me if they started to become a burden. I am sorry that I also have no idea how to get rid of these feelings, but… I can try.” 

Neil let himself fall silent, and waited. Andrew didn’t seem ready to talk yet, which was fine. He could open the bond between them, but he didn’t want to. Neil couldn’t know what Andrew would say and what his reaction would be, especially if it was bad. 

The silence was… difficult to bear, but not impossible. A truck passed behind Neil, sweeping his hair into every direction, and then disappearing into the road. Neil had imagined it would be harder to deal with priests when love was involved, but… nothing could have prepared him for the creature that was rearing its head inside of his chest, hungry for an answer. Either for its death or for anything that would satiate its hunger. 

It was almost enough to make Neil miss the old days, but the old days would mean no Andrew and his father alive. Even now, Neil didn’t really want to go back to a world where there were no Andrews. 

“I can understand if you feel you need to stop having sex with me,” Neil said in the silence. It was kind of crude, but he didn’t know how else to put it, and how else to deal with the silence. It was, undoubtedly, one of the worst moments to become a chatterbox, but Neil couldn’t stop his mouth. “I can also understand if you need me to go away and break the bond so you won’t feel what I feel. I ask that you only endure me around so I can finish my already scheduled appointments at the crematorium… Also to organize myself with Matt, because he might need to come with me, but I promise in a month at best I’ll be able to get out of your lif—” 

“Neil,” Andrew interrupted him and it was surprising how _quick_ Neil could almost choke on his own tongue. “Stop fucking shielding.” 

“But—” 

“Just do it.” 

Neil took stock of what he could identify of his own emotions— _sadness_ , which made him flinch because that… that was something he wish he didn’t have to make Andrew feel, _apprehension,_ because he didn’t know why Andrew would suddenly ask Neil to let him _feel things_ that he didn’t want to feel, and also _willingness, readiness_ to conform to whatever Andrew needed him to do. Always. 

With a deep breath, Neil nodded once to himself for courage before letting his shield down, hesitantly bracing himself. 

His eyes widened when he realized he wasn’t only feeling _Andrew’s_ _dragon_ —but that ball of _tenseness_ , anger and… something else, that was... Andrew’s feelings _._ All of what Andrew was feeling, without any shields, or the tight, iron control on them no more. 

The first thing Neil noticed was that, currently, Andrew seemed to struggle to control his dragon. Neil frowned because he could almost hear the dragon roaring, raging, _wanting_ something. Andrew couldn’t control it because _it was angry at Andrew_ for getting whatever it wanted _away_ from them. The dragon wanted to run after something and Andrew was holding it down, tying it to his self-control as much as he could. Andrew was _barely_ being able to hold it back. 

The dragon wanted to be let out of Andrew’s confinement to find his treasure. 

Andrew himself, on the other hand, felt… a lot of things. Mostly about himself. He seemed to be baffled at himself, and also angry, though not as angry as the dragon. However, as the silence between them stretched for longer, what Neil could only call as Andrew’s _fear_ grew. 

It took Neil a while to understand why Andrew was afraid. He knew that Andrew seemed ready to accept something from Neil. Neil didn’t know exactly what, but it had something to do with the tiny _hurt_ thing inside of Andrew, a small ball of tension in the core of everything Andrew felt. Buried, almost completely covered by Andrew’s self-control and other emotions. 

Neil prodded carefully at the little thing and heard Andrew gasp quietly. With a loud inhale, Neil understood what the tiny hurt thing was. He’d been feeling it towards Andrew, without absolutely no intentions. Neil had spent the morning trying to shield Andrew from feeling it from his side. 

Neil knew the size of it didn’t mean that Andrew felt _less_ or that it was fragile in any way. The way the tiny thing was battered and bruised made it clear it had been kept small _intentionally_ , and the fact that it was still there proved its resilience. 

It could still grow, if given the chance. 

Neil felt a lot, all at once. It was enough to make himself stop breathing for a few moments. After he took a gasping breath and tried to calm himself down, he felt compelled to say only, “Andrew?” 

“There’s no logic that can convince me that what you feel for me is real. There’s _nothing_ that can prove that what you feel is something that’s going to last, something that I should _trust_ ,” Andrew took a deep breath, probably because Neil couldn’t stop himself from _reacting_ to those words, couldn’t control his emotions the way Andrew could. Neil wanted to make this easier on Andrew, wishing he could know just the right words, but— “Shut up and let me finish, Neil.” 

Neil hadn’t been even thinking about speaking, but he did try his best to stop spiralling in his feelings and _focus_ on Andrew. 

“You have _always_ given me too much, since we’ve met. Even when I made sure to treat you as badly as I could. There had always been something about you that was _interesting_ to me, and that was dangerous enough, but there was also something about you that appealed to my dragon, that made it want to preen and peacock in front of you, in a way that I couldn’t understand at all. And how you never expected something from me just made the dragon want you _more_. 

“Having access to your emotions just made the dragon bolder,” Andrew took a deep breath. “Made the dragon trust you more, with no concrete reason to. And then you made it clear you trusted in me—without having proof that you should and that— 

“You _have_ to know what it feels like to not be able to trust in anyone,” Andrew sounded almost _desperate_ in a way that Neil disliked immensely. “I’ve done this before and it led to nothing good. I don’t want to trust again only to—” 

Andrew cut himself off and Neil’s breath stuttered as he felt how afraid Andrew was of entrusting his feelings to Neil. However, Neil could also feel how Andrew was too late—he already trusted Neil, so much so he was at war with himself. 

Andrew had said that his dragon felt something, but _the dragon was Andrew_. They felt things together. 

“Oh,” Neil said quietly, and he wished he could stop the smile that was spreading over his face, only in the chance that it might _offend_ Andrew in any way. However, Andrew’s relief at feeling Neil’s elatedness was freeing enough to make Neil’s emotions run wild. He was burning hot, hotter than his fire had ever burned, hotter than the sun that was currently fueling his powers. His love for Andrew fueled Neil much further than _any_ power boost Neil had ever had, even when he had three dozen priests at his temples, by his side. Andrew made him feel like he could explode, lose his corporeal form and still be just as tangible and real as ever. Because Andrew _loved_ him, in his own way. 

He would probably never verbalize it, but he did. 

Words were overrated anyway. Neil could _feel_ Andrew’s love, fiercely protected, a tiny sprout of a thing that could become gigantic, if the gardener was willing to let it grow. 

“Neil,” Andrew said, sounding quietly exasperated. Neil smiled. 

“Yes?” 

“Come home.” Andrew’s voice was a tiny thing, a whisper. Uncertain. Neil couldn’t allow him to sound like that, ever. He was going to run again, but… he stopped. Analyzed what Andrew was feeling. 

Neil didn’t have to run. He was also lost, and didn’t know how to use the GPS. 

There was someone who knew exactly how to get to him, though. 

“Bring home to me,” Neil said. Andrew’s breath stuttered as his dragon went _wild_ inside of his body. The dragon wanted fiercely to be free, _fly_. Towards Neil. Because Andrew’s everything not only wanted Neil, but _loved him_. 

With a sigh, Andrew audibly put his phone down somewhere, left Neil’s home and shot up to the sky. 

Neil sat down at the edge of the road and ended the call. 

He would be with his home soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> They finally did it! They finally kissed! It only took them three fucking fics to kiss!!!  
>   
> First of all, I want to thank godot again for being the most wonderfully patient angel EVER. I hope this was a satisfyingly good ending for you and worth the wait.  
>   
> Another thing I feel the need to address: I am asexual myself. I did a bit of projection onto Neil when it comes to his views of sex but, of course, I am not demisexual (or demiromantic, like Andrew realized he was at the end of the fic, which I don’t think was clear but… yeh! Andrew, sweetheart, you’re breaking my heart here with your unawareness). That being said, if you think my portrayal was in any way offensive or incorrect in some aspect, absolutely come tell me about it. I did my best but my best is, thankfully, not perfect and! I’m always up for learning things!!  
>   
> I want to thank everybody who bookmarked, subscribed or showed even a sliver of interest in this tiny corner of my imaginated universe. It was fun in a hellish kind of way to force myself to reread both fics so I could write this and realize all the tiny mistakes that I won’t fix, all the structural things I would have done differently if I had written the first part now—but I didn’t. Old Asas wrote that and it’s fun to see that my writing has improved. It’s not masterful yet, but it’s so much better.  
>   
> I’m proud of what I became, and I’m proud of where this ended.  
>   
> I hope you are proud of me too.  
>   
> Any thoughts are more than appreciated, but kudos are also enough.  
>   
> Love all of you, and I hope you had a good Halloween !! I cut my entire hair, like… maybe 20 inches? I don’t know in cm so I can’t convert it but yeah! It was fun! And I hope y’all had fun too!  
> 

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  my tumblr is [polzkadotz](http://polzkadotz.tumblr.com) and my twitter is [polzka_dotz](http://twitter.com/polzka_dotz) if that’s what you prefer. Both are open for any kind of yelling (or talking, if yelling is not your vibe) <3  
> 


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